The Tale of Esmerelda

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The Tale of Esmerelda

Post by Xandy on Wed Jun 22, 2011 8:41 pm

THAT SUE? Well, fine, I had one 3 years back. Decided to answer one of those, "Take a strip and call the number on it" thingies, can't remember what they're called right now. It was a DnD 3.5 game, with 2 Splatbooks allowed, Psionics and the Fiend one, forgot the name I don't have the book anymore. The one about the Demons.

So, as it turned out 3 people other then me showed up, bit puzzled because there had been EIGHT strips, and when I checked it all had been taken except for one. But eh, thems the breaks. So, ours was a motley group, the first to arrive was a hambeast of a woman. White, short, and long black hair that looked as if it had never been cut. I could see the light brown in her roots where she hadn't died it yet, and the glasses perched on her nose were broken, temporarily repaired with copper wire. The second, was a very tall, very skinny man. I swear, there was something wrong with him. It had been raining, and he had taken of his shirt to try and squeeze some of the water out. I could count every rib, I swear. White as well, with short wiry hair. I think it was brown. Had some dental problems, crooked teeth and whatnot. He arrived second, and was squeezing his shirt when I came in third. We waited about 10 minutes, the DM had said to be there early, and we had all shown up about 30 minutes ahead of schedule. Our DM arrived in from the Storm, a happy fat man with a good, long, well-groomed beard and a tightly-pulled pony-tail, couldn't stop smiling even in the rain. It was his house that we had come to (The fat woman being one of his friends, having a key.) and he began cooking something for us to enjoy while we played. About 15 minutes later, SHE arrived.

We were forewarned of her arrival, due to the VERY loud complaining that could be heard over the storm. She came in, barking about how we should have rescheduled because of the horrible weather, which was apparently RUINING her dress. And my god, that dress. It was something a 6 year old came up with if you asked for "Fairy Dragon Princess". Big, poofy in the shoulders, covered in sequins and glitter, and due to the rain had been clinging to her figure in a way that might have been nice to the eye if her face hadn't ruined the effect. I'm sure she might have been very pretty with her mouth closed, but I don't think she ever did shut it. This dress, combined with a few other things (A hairband with horns on it, makeup that had been CAKED on, and a temporary tattoo on her cheek of a sparkling dragon in purple.) was supposed to be her costume of her character. I have to admit, it might have been my giggling that set her off, because she didn't stop complaining. Apparently we hated her since before we met her, and we were horrible people for sticking to the schedule when the rain was getting in her heels, ruining her makeup, "staining" her dress, ruining her character sheet, the background she had written (Pages, like a damn short novel) ruining her life because she had to take the bus because her girlfriend couldn't have driven her today and she got weird looks from some mexican girl and BLAH BLAH BLAH you get my meaning /tg/, right?

She took a wand, I shit you not, out of her purse. A fucking cardboard wand painted with garish bright colors, glitter, etc. Then she looked at us, got this...toadish smile on her face and thrust the pages at us to read, to get to know her character. It had looked like a novel from the distance, but it was actually 4 or so copies neatly stapled, organized, and bookmarked to "Tell us where you can stop, I want some of it to be a secret!". So we cracked them open, giving her odd glances.

So, we opened these up. Even separated, they were thick. The first page was her stat-sheet, horribly balanced (As in, it would be a useless character in everything except diplomacy, because all she had was charisma, pretty clothes, and every speech-related shit she could find. ) Some sort of Psion build all around dominating, again, don't remember the specifics, been a few years and I don't have those books. Had a bunch of stuff for dominating people.

I admit, it was mildly interesting, to imagine what she COULD have done with this build, but the juicy stuff was in her PAGES upon PAGES of background.

So, the character. She played an Elven, Half-Fiend Half-Giant (Aaaaaagh I don't even remember how she did it), and first off, she was a Princess. A Princess of a far-off land named Geneva (Yes, like Geneva Convention.) She had been elected to Princess-ship (Yes, elected) at the age of 6 in recognition of her inherent goodness struggling against her brutish evil background, winning out only with her pure elven blood fighting the EVULZ of her Giant/Fiend half. Her goodness was apparently noticed by the Elven Kings Wizard-Advisor, who had a dream of a prophecy about this young girl.

A dream of a prophecy. Not a prophecy. A DREAM of a Prophecy. As in, he dreamed someone prophesised it. Aaaaaaagh.

So he found her with his ELVEN MAGICKS, and brought her to be his Princess, elected fairly by an adoring public who looked past her wings (4 of them, 2 Angelic, 2 Bat wings) and height (6 Feet at age 6) to see her purity and wisdom. No longer scrounging as an orphan, her every hearts desire was granted by the loving King, but she wasn't accepted by the hideous Queen.

So, the Queen was once the most Beautiful woman/elf in the land, but feared for her cruelty. Upon seeing the Elf/Fiend/Giant girl (Name was Esmerelda Purity DrakensDottir...aaaaagh) she flew into a rage and attempted to kill Esmerelda. Her "Elven Magicks" bounced off Esmerelda, and made the Queen as ugly as she was on the inside for her whole life, which was apparently pretty fucking Pig-Disgusting.

Being SO FACKEENG AHGLY, as she wrote a polite man would describe it (Goddamn she must have been straight up pig-disgusting.), she attempted to commit suicide that very night. Brave and strong Purity caught her, and saved her from herself and presented her to the King for her punishment for trying to kill herself.

Which was execution by hanging.


So, with the King now suitable single in her story (And only 10 pages in out of 40+, Oh Boy!) she Time-Skipped until her character was "Sweet Sixteen", which was apparently marrying age in this kingdom. Yes she referred to it, on paper as Sweet Sixteen.
So Esmeralda the wise and pure and kind of heart dominated the Elf King with her mind into loving her, and forced him to father 12 children. This was blamed on her forceful Giant heritage, bringing itself to the fore.

These Twelve Children, being the children of a Half-Giant Half-Fiend Elf alongside a Half-Angel (Forget the DnD term for them, were they just straight up Angels? Thought there was a term for em') Elven King, obviously grew into teenagers in 4 years. Since she said nothing against it, I am forced to assume the twelve of them with nothing to distinguish themselves in terms of appearance, came from the same monster pregnancy. They were all beautiful, wise, intelligent, charismatic, and of course they could dominate shit juuuuust like their mother. Having their fiend/giant heritage watered down, OF COURSE they became perfect little angels and didn't do anything like their mother did, bewitching dear old daddy-kins.

These 6-year old adolescents became masters of everything they put their hands to, be it horse-back riding (Became the best Knights in the land obviously) sword-fighting (And Axe-Fighting, and Fist-Fighting, and Hand to hand and everything else and BLAH BLAH BLAH they were sues) and everything else. Being so perfect, they outstripped their teachers within a year and became teachers themselves at the age of 7.

So, as I was saying, these children (Which differed only in temperament and name, what's the word for 12 twins?) quickly became the focus, detailing their adventures in at times excrutiating detail, but otherwise glossed over in the time-skipping way. From age 6-15 (I know these probably weren't the ages she intended, but her dates were so bad this is what we got from it) They slew several Great Wyrm Dragons, filled the Kingdoms already full treasury so much they had to CREATE A SEPARATE PLANE TO HOUSE THEIR GOLD, which was of course cursed so if you took a single piece from it, or even breathed to hard in their treasures planar direction, Dire-Tarrasques that were level 40 Wizard/Druids would hunt you down and it was impossible to escape them. And they had so much treasure (Which they took from one neighboring kingdom which was icky and evil and full of Drow and whatnot) Filled an infinite plane so much that if you opened a portal to it without saying the proper words and teleporting to the super-secret Castle at the heart of the realm cut from a single, massive EmeraldSapphireRubyThing (Stated to be a combination of them all with the strength and luster of a perfect Diamond), the pressure exerted on the coins and treasures would shoot them out with, "Infinite Strength, Squishing the thief to a thin paste which would be turned down by even the lowest of animals". No words on closing the portal, so I'm assuming there is a poor, unfortunate kingdom being crushed under a mountain of gold, all the citizens crushed to paste.

So, in addition to slaying dragons and creating an elemental plane of Riches, these precocious tykes slew a god (Unnamed, and it might have been gods, plural), created a perfect system of law, and eventually brought the kingdom to ANOTHER plane they created, stated to be a plane of pure goodness inhabited only by those who accepted their perfect rule.

Meanwhile, Esmerelda Purity Drakensdottir, released the King from the domination, and surprise surprise he fell in love with her and they had FABULOUS SEX.

So they ruled over this kingdom for many years, until a rival kingdom, just as great but devoted to EEEEEEVIIIIIL in ways unimaginable. This kingdom was Guttrodir, pronounced Goot-Row-Thur. They too created a plane of pure elemental force, but only one and of evil so great the Negative and Demonic planes wept at it's name, which was Guttrodan. It was specifically stated that even an eyeless, deaf being would weep at it's name, growing eyes to weep with and hearing it magically.

So this evil city was ruled by Esmereldas Evil-Nega-Twin from an Alternate dimension where the laws of reality are reversed. Though she appears to be a drab, supernaturally pale woman, she's basically Pale Night except she sometimes lets a tentacle or two slip forth from an orifice. So this evil woman, Adleremseka (Yes, Esmerelda backwards with a ka at the end) ruled so badly that her kingdom had become a singular organism the size of a country, squirming with pure hatred strong enough to cast a shadow across the sun, as if dread itself had flooded the heart of the world.

So this unspeakable being of pure eldritch horror ripped itself from this plane and descended to an unimaginable plane to make the Far Realm look like a playground. The whole plane was one organic entity, growing forth from the beating hear that was The White Woman (Esmereldas Evil-Nega-Twins nickname)

The White Woman also ripped her plane from it's position in the Great Wheel, devastating the Negative Plane which had initially birthed it to hurl itself across the multiverse on a collision-course with Brihallow (Esmerelda and her kids super good plane). This squamous creature of scale unimaginable collided with Brihallow with the force of "A Thousand Million Nuclear Bombs, the biggest ones". Having been forewarned, Brihallow had turned it's 10 Billion ascendant servants(Because 400 or so Peasants got REEEEALLY busy when there's nothing to do but be good and pure for 10 or so years) to the Art of War. Each one with the power of a God incarnate, they battled the Realm, blinding themselves to not gaze upon the White Woman, deafening themselves to not hear her impossible screams or her clever lies, cutting out their own tongues so they could not swear a new allegiance. They battled for a Thousand Years, never giving nor taking an inch until Esmerelda and her Children, having scoured the Multiverse for a way to kill The White Woman (Every time I type that I laugh, is that so wrong?)

After a thousand years they found it, and took battle to The White Woman. Singing a song of such purity it healed the God-Peasants of their self-crippling, and ripping the very fabric of the False-Reality of the White Woman asunder. Battling and Singing their way to the center of the beast, they cut open it's beating heart the size of a World, and took battle to the "Frightened but evil Girl at it's center".

So, the girl at the center of the Heart took battle to Esmerelda and her children, fighting for 6 hours until Esmerelda, alone and the only survivor, landed a killing blow. Weeping over the death of her children, (Being killed by a Plane of Reality should be perma-death in her fantasy realm she wrote), she cried 12 perfect tears onto her dodechaplets. Surprise surprise, they rose up alive and hugged their mother. The celebration, at which every single living and unliving creature in the multiverse attended, was apparently "The Best Party Ever, The End".

So, it had taken us a bit of time to read through this, and Jessica (The writer of this dreck) looked at us, beaming at what she thought would be endless praise. She was 32, by the way. So, I was stunned. Speechless. The others were still reading. She asked what I thought, and just to dodge any trouble I said I needed to re-read some parts, that I didn't catch it. But as soon as I finished saying this, our host came in, beaming and red in the face, carrying a platter of food. She stood straight up, and before he could even say a word, handed him a copy of the background.

I will never, until the end of my days, forget what he said.

"What's that, a character sheet? Thought I told you I had a character for everyone already."

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Re: The Tale of Esmerelda

Post by Dead Herald on Sun Jul 03, 2011 5:05 am

Low content double post! RAR!


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Re: The Tale of Esmerelda

Post by Terria on Mon Jul 04, 2011 8:58 pm

If I post here we can forget you ever existed.

I'll hit you so fucking hard your children be born with dits! Your grandchildren will be born with dits!
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Re: The Tale of Esmerelda

Post by Hubilub on Mon Jul 04, 2011 9:30 pm

Who existed?

I felt my sphincter clench and my scrotum contract in shock at his response.
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Re: The Tale of Esmerelda

Post by Komrade Kharloth on Mon Jul 04, 2011 9:45 pm

You missed the part where she slapped him and he hit her with a tray of muffins.

Ronald, bless his soul, didn't really "get" why she suddenly dropped the background all over the floor, screaming in rage, and slapped him. Let me tell you, Ronald didn't like getting slapped. He slid the muffin-cake thingies (Like tiny delicious pies, filled with assorted meats and gravy) off the tray onto the table, and whacked her in the face with the still, very very hot tray. It probably broke her nose, and she just screamed a bit more before trying to attack him again. Me and the tall guy jumped up and grabbed her arms to pull her back, honestly I thought Ron would have just hit were with the tray again.

I think she had gotten a nasty burn from it. So, screaming and ranting about how he was a stupid pathetic fat little son of a bitch, wasting her time with this "stupid pathetic game for children" and how there were only 4 of us here because she had swiped the rest and so on and on. Eventually she stopped ranting, and seemed to calm down. I gave some slack, and I kid you not the bitch turned and BIT my arm, and when I let go of her hand and smacked her face she tried to claw at my eyes. Ronald pulled her off me, and this ripped her carefully put together dress, exposing her bra-less chest. Bless his heart Ron. She covered herself and ran screaming out the door, and I never heard from her again. Reckon Ron did, but he never said shit about it.

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Re: The Tale of Esmerelda

Post by MilkyFresh on Mon Aug 22, 2011 11:13 am


No one loves a prick,
No one loves a coffee sniffing motherfucker.
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Re: The Tale of Esmerelda

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