Alphonse Kapown: the Bane of Mary Sues

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Alphonse Kapown: the Bane of Mary Sues

Post by Xandy on Sun May 15, 2011 2:59 am

So yeah, time to tell /tg/ about how my life got turned upside-down, and I drove the DM of a Mary Sue campaign to "He Mad" status.

So, long story short, a friend of mine has this forum I game with DnD on. He encourages people joining up and playing whatever, so long as you aren't a fucking retard or a jackass (And even if you are one, he'll generally let it slide provided you're amusing in some way.)

God help us all, the day that "Mr. Twiki" joined. Having started up his own "DnD campaign", I soon realized that this man had no concept of how to play DnD besides all the pretty stats, and was- instead- running a very loose freeform campaign with pretty numbers to justify what he did.

Whilst I could list the TERRIBLE things he did to DnD, I'll just sum it up in one fine example: A spellcaster could cast spells of level equivalent to their own. So a level 9 caster? Yeah, Balors and Shit. And the star PC (Who I have a strong inkling is his hambeast of a wife [Which I know because I saw the website she runs. She's an "author" that has several "Books" that I vomit when I look at].) was...my god.

I joined the campaign a few pages in, as a steampunk character. Because fuck yeah, steampunk, right? Well, realizing this was a joke after reading through, I named him Alphonse Kapown. Little did I realize the ramifications of this.

So when I originally got introduced (Randomly having been trapped in some weird magical mirror prison that was sealed with a puzzle. /Why/ he was in there is still a mystery to me, in lieu of him being assassinated), I was actually having a bit of fun. You know, trekking through these crazy ruins filled with broken pieces of Mechanika (As an Arcane Mechanic right out of Iron Kingdoms, the DM kind of went, OH MAN MAGICAL TECHNOLOGY? SO COOL! and incorporated it...for the worse, as I would find out). Blah blah blah, A Wild Dragon appears and eats one of the players, and...I get all giddy as Al Capone (I MEAN ALPHONSE KAPOWN) stumbles into a workshop laden with fancy tools.

Did I mention that one of the "feats" my character took was Craft Mechanika...and that steam-powered armor is a very legitimate item? I cackle giddily to myself as I get to work building armor while the rest of the party-

Stumbles into a magical portal randomly in the middle of a Japanese garden in the ancient steampunk laboratory? Aww, shit, this was where it began.

AH! Here we go...I found the website of the DM's hambeast wife (Also who will be referred to from here-on-out as "Dragon Girl" for very obvious reasons).

http://www.sajafutura.us/

Now, as you read what this woman has written in horror, I will explain to you the events that took place as I was whipping up my badass Iron Man suit with the intent of slaying the black dragon. Why would he hunt the WILD DRAGON? Because it swooped in, ate /all/ of the steampunk parts he had gathered by that point (Which he was carrying by lugging around an old wooden chest), and then swooped back out in less than a single round. No attacks of opportunity, nothing. Just "It flies in and eats everything you spent the last few days gathering, and X inactive PC".

Needless to say, I was slightly mad by this point, but decided to let shit slide. DM was otherwise chill, and he DID give me a workshop to build my armor in. So yeah, while I'm crafting my badass Iron Man suit, the rest of the party stumbles into a portal except for one other guy.

Who fell into a trap like a retard, and ended up getting "Saved by a shadowy figure basked in white light". Said PC was a werewolf (With a human "natural" form) at this point in the campaign. Needless to say, my "Oh Fuck No" meter is getting pretty high up there at this point.

So my guy finally finishes his armor, and I see the rest of the party has arrived in...Dah, Dah, Dah!

The Dragon Kingdom. A place so terrifying that EVERY SINGLE PERSON in it was a Dragon. A full-blooded Dragon, or a Half-Dragon, or SOME form of Dragon. Except the PCs.

Imminent rape expected, right? Wrong! Turns out the Dragon Kingdom is composed of Dragons of ALL colors, and ALL of the Dragons are good! Black dragons are Lawful Good. GREEN Dragons are Lawful Good. Chromatic and Metallic alike are la-de-da, loving, and completely accepting of the random PCs who just teleported not A MILE AWAY from their capital city (Which was apparently a bunch of closely-spaced super fortresses, one for each color of Dragon).

When I read this, my reaction can best be summed up as "Wut?". I mean, here the party was attacked by a dragon not SIX HOURS AGO, and suddenly they're being led in hand-in-hand by an entire nation composed of gigantic scaled behemoths whose best racial description is, "Don't piss them off if you value the lives of yourself and your loved ones".

If you think this is bad, it gets better.

So the PCs are taken into the Dragon Kingdom, given expensive clothing to fix up their attire, served hand-and-foot effectively by the Dragons...

And all the while, their wounded companion "At the brink of death" (With about 5 HP left) is operated on by the Dragons. What to they do?

They surgically implant scales along his body to "speed the healing process", artificially making him a half-dragon.

That's right. An artificially added Half-Dragon template. My bowels rose into my throat as I saw the Human-Werewolf-Half-Dragon gladly leap into his new, freakish existence. By this time, Alphonse Kapown had stumbled upon the magical portal, and was making last-minute preparations before jumping through to the "Great Unknown".

Dragon Girl enters at this point as the party gets introduced to the "King of the Dragons" and his daughter.

Dragon Girl.

My mind is filled with fuck at this point as HWHD (Which is a lot easier than writing "Human-Werewolf-Half-Dragon") begins to test out his new abilities.

Which include wingless flight (Basically flying around like Peter Fucking Pan the Furfag) and a fucking ridiculous fire breath attack (Like 19d6 the DM said, though at this point I had pretty much completely ignored the guise of DnD this game used).

So Alphonse Kapown arrives around the time the Dragon King and his PC daughter (Who, as I later found out with seething rage, was level 10 when we were all level 4. And had access to 9th level spells, as per the DM's "view" of magic in DnD. Oh, an Epic spells, too).

So when my guy arrives, the King divulges that they're in an epic war against the Human kingdom. Part of me is like, "FUCK YES! We're getting out of Mary Sue territory! Maybe."

The other part knows what's coming, and dreads it.

"The Dark Empire", as the King of the Dragons divulges, is a species of "Foul, black-hearted humans" who use "Unnatural science" to fight the peace-loving Dragons after they arrived from "Another world" via an "Experiment gone awry".

I'm amazed my head didn't rocket off my shoulders as I read this bullshit, and my character- seeing the GIANT CITY of fucking dragons flying around and one of his former companions looking like goddamn Frankenstein as he flew around the air- heads for the hills at full steam.

Of course, the half-dragon sentries at the nearby castle see the man in steam-powered armor running away and alert Dragon Girl, who sends HWHD out to "Take out the Dark Empire spy!"

Because obviously, a spy is going to be wearing noisy powered armor.

Deep in enemy territory.

And be a human in a kingdom of dragons.

So after BARELY avoiding his homicidal ex-companion, he flees for the nearest signs of civilization, finding that the "Lost art" of Mechanika wasn't so lost. He makes his way in a fairly cool fashion around by fixing up farm equipment for people in exchange for board and food, and shit is actually pretty chill as he tries to make sense of all the insanity going on.

Campaign seems to have a faint glimmer of hope.

I was foolish for trying to follow that glimmer. Heading to the nearest city with the friendly directions of the farmers I helped, I arrive to find everybody ELSE walking around in powered armor. Which...isn't that bad, but I realized something.

Everybody else wearing powered armor is a goddamn Orc. No human soldiers. AT ALL.

I'm kind of cocking an eyebrow at this. Why the fuck would you give Orcs powered armor, especially since they're too goddamn stupid to otherwise operate it without being babysat?

So he eventually winds up at the cliche "Mayor's Home", which is really code for "Future Site of the Kapown Imperial Palace". See, I'm a tenacious motherfucker- if a DM wants me to suck the cocks of his Mary Sues, I fight back tooth and nail. And with steampunk?

Yeah, I stood a good chance against dragons, especially since- at that time- I was bringing some fellow fa/tg/uys into the fold. By the time I got to meet the mayor, "Party B" consisted of a Khorne Berserker, "Fullblade" the unholy close-hitter, and a "Mage" that had a keen interest in uncovering necromancy.

So, I meet the mayor. Or rather, the "Baron".

And find out his last name is Kapown.

He is my grandson.

At this point my brain reached "Fuck capacity". I mean, suddenly my guy has a grandson.

Who, after a bit of conversation, I easily find out is siding with the "Rebel Alliance". I tactfully decide not to commit infanticide at this point by NOT asking what else consists of this alliance (Because I know a goddamn railroad when I see the tracks closing in).

Instead, I smile, nod to my fatass of a grandson, and tell him I need a laboratory workspace. He graciously provides a secret lab underneath the city, which is stocked with some "Six thousand barrels of fuel" and a shitton of powered armor and a few "Mechanika Dragons".

Yes folks, that's right. Apparently the dragon that stole my stuff was, in fact, under the control of the Dark Emperor.

Because Dragons can't do anything wrong, right?

As Alphonse Kapown made his list of demands necessary, Baron-Grandson looked at me cockeyed. I wanted him to have the guards send down all of the piss from the latrines, all the lye from the kitchens, and all the silver they can spare.

"But we need the silver to pay for reparations after the war is over with!" Grandson-Faggot informs me.

The fucking little defeatist wanted to give the DRAGONS reparations after the Rebellion (Inevitably) succeeded! That sealed his fate in my eyes, and the scientist-grandfather simply nodded and smiled, "Of course," He appeased, "But any silver you can spare would be gladly appreciated!"

So I get a few silver bars, a couple thousand gallons of piss, and casks of lye. The DM is baffled at what I have planned, but I have the potters create massive rings of fired clay with fluted edges. The DM is still baffled, and I can only smile as my plan comes to a head.

The DM, seeing this, decides to intervene.

The Dark Emperor and his army appear on our front doorstep. As I found out before, Human warriors have been replaced by Orc mercenaries- which, naturally, are gigantic fuckups and inept money-guzzling power drains with advanced technology.

The "Baron", my fuckup of a grandson, pretty much demands we flee into the woods since we've- apparently- been discovered. Doubtlessly this had NOTHING to do with the fact that the Dragon Kingdom was, even now, preparing to march off for an invasion (With Dragon Girl and Party A serving as a "Scouting group").

Knowing rails to serving the Dragons when I see them, Alphonse Kapown grabs something from his work-bench before telling his grandson, the Baron, that they will not be fleeing. He tells him that he has developed something to win "The war", and- being the fat little motherfucker he is- my grandson decides that this means overthrowing the Dark Emperor and making peace with the cocksucking dragons.

Al will have none of this, and just tells him to have the army prepare to hold the line, where my buddies thoroughly assimilated into the game pretty much single-handedly win the battle. Why? Because the DM was wise to what I had in mind, and made all of the NPCs working for me retarded (As he later admits in the glorious finale).

At the time, however, he instead demands to know what I have planned to win the battle. I link him to this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Silver_azide

Rage is had by the DM, but he eventually buckles under powerful browbeating on the fact that I was using real-world science to fight science.

The result? I invented Daisy Cutters in the quasi-medieval era. The massive battle was swiftly won with a minimum of losses on my own side (Though the DM decided to be a bitch regardless and have "random disasters" like chlorine gas randomly pop up in my city).

Yeah. My city. That object Alphonse Kapown grabbed from his workdesk? A hand-held harpoon launcher. For the greater good of mankind, he murdered his own grandson, shooting him in the back of the head.

He played it off as an assassin's work after the battle, using one of the countless dead enemy soldiers and trussing it up like a servant of the Baron. Being the "direct ascendant" of the deceased, he takes the Barony over, though the DM doesn't let me rule over anything more than the city itself. Which is alright.

Why? Because I have big plans.

I quickly set into motion, with malicious glee, a massive series of overhauls. The ridiculously massive stockpile of fuel is drudged up, suits of powered armor distributed amongst the militia and fierce training regimens enacted. Remembering the ancient facility he started off in, Alphonse leads an expedition there, and manages to loot a fair amount (And the place was, of course, in the Dragon Kingom- but he actually becomes a bit clever by this point. He takes samples of the drakeling-things they encounter in the wild).

The DM can only watch in horror as I calculate the total income of the city. That's right, gentlemen, I calculated- by hand- the total income and expenditures of an ENTIRE CITY, manually enacted cost-effective rationing laws that STILL made it possible for peasant's to each get three square meals of wine and cheese a day, and came out with over 100,000 GP income a month.

The DM's facade of trying to reign me back in finally cracked when, as massive factories for powered armor and rifles and ammunition were being erected, I detailed to him exactly how I intended to create Dark Matter.

See, the DM had me encounter this crazy inventor when I became the Baron. Basically the guy invented a device that could open a planar "portal". He doubtlessly meant for it to be discovered by the "scouting group" now closing in on my city.

I instead used it to recreate the Planar Engine from the Airships book. Which is basically an antimatter reactor that works by combining motes of matter from the Positive and Negative planes and harnessing the result.

The Dragon Kingdom's scouting party WALKS into the fucking city. An anthromorphic dragon girl, a fucking werewolf with dragon scale, and odd-man-out a regular human. By this point, Dragon Girl and Half-Dragon-Werewolf-Man had become "lovers" after a "wild night of passion".

Yeah. Furfaggotry abounds.

And, of course, this scout party discovered "by chance" the crazy inventor's house and his mad scrawlings. They deciphered from this that he was building that portal kerjigger, and JUST how it worked.

How a bunch of fucking Dragons can understand the "evil science" of Humans is beyond me. But fuck it, I had grabbed this campaign by the testicles with steampunk, and it was time I made my point clear to the Dragons about JUST what I had in mind for their bullshit.

So when my right-hand man, Fullblade, bumped into the party he quickly called for the city guard. A dozen HUMANS in powered armor quickly showed up, armed with delicious rifles (With ACTUAL rifling).

Baron Alphonse Kapown meets the "race-traitors" and their "harlot leader" in the city's main Inn. Why? Because not only does it provide an informal atmosphere, but it drags them across the city, letting them see the massive factories being built, letting them see the schools that HE had built with HIS science to teach orphan children from the battle, to show them that mankind does not NEED the help of these scaled sons of bitches to prosper, contrary to what so many people think. Undead laborers made it possible for the still-living citizens to have lives of luxury, former hovels and mud-huts being converted into homes and even a smattering of mansions.

At this point, Party B is gathered together, and I can't help but smile at how I had made my team claw its way up from the very pits of "Mary Sue stepping stones" to actual, physical threats.

Party A:
Dragon Girl, a Bronze Dragon in "Human" form with access to Epic-level spells and "custom-made" 9th level and below magic.
Human-Werewolf-Half-Dragon, with the power of wingless flight and super fire breath and, TA-DA, the hand-to-hand skills only a Monk can wield.
An "Elf Princess" that, though she started out as my ally, her PC dropped out due to real-life issues. The DM quickly made her part of "Party A".
And four "regular" Dragons that would provide escorts to the group.

Party B? We were self-made gods of men!
Myself, Alphonse Kapown: Steampunk scientist who was wearing a suit of badass powered armor, which he had constantly upgraded to that point, including a pistol and that magical portal-making device he was working on modifying at the time.
Fullblade: A Fighter that I also equipped in powered armor...but with a TWEEST! I invented a rocket launcher for him. A wrist-mounted rocket launcher, which he wielded in addition to his Fullblade (Which I remade into something akin to the Super-Sledge from Fallout, only with a vibrating edge in place of PNEUMATIC ACTION!). I had also incorporated organs from dragons we slew, granting him fucking ridiculous regenerative abilities.
Khrone Berserker: He was a mutated son of a bitch, and my god could he rip and tear with the best of them. He actually destroyed his Drow servants when they failed to bring him skulls to ornament himself with.
The Mage: Basically a necromancer by this point, I equipped his bony ass with a special version of powered armor that let him manifest his spells through his two apprentices, as well as amplifying the effects of his spell (Basically utilizing Rune Plates from Iron Kingdoms to make his entire suit FILTHY RICH with magic).

When they walked in, I knew they were had from the moment they entered. The DM knew it too- I was too devious a bastard NOT to have a dozen backup plans in place (Really, I didn't have THAT many, but I had already known how the battle would pan out).

The "talk" goes about as well as expected. The Dragonfags basically all chant, "You're evil! You just want to rule!"

Which is true- Alphonse Kapown was a man who saw that his people had become too stupid to rule themselves. He was the only one with intellect and knowledge enough to save a culture that, thanks to the Dark Emperor (Who somehow survived the Daisy Cutter bombardment, surprise surprise), was essentially swirling down the shitter.

He keeps his cool throughout this until Dragon Girl says the stupidest thing she possibly can.

"You're just making your people miserable! I have one million gold in my Bag of Holding here, a gift from my father. Please, if not for your own sake, then for the sake of your people!"

Alphonse Kapown, with the fury of a small god, rises from his seat.

And bitchslaps Dragon Girl right across the face.

The STR contest was, needless to say, horribly skewed in her favor. But it was the effect of the action- Alphonse losing his cool, his weathered face rife with anger as he screamed at the princess before him.

"Miserable? Miserable, you stupid cunt?! I am the only person here who has worked to /help/ my race! I am not my grandson, who would bend my race to your draconian whims! I am a Human, and I- like any strong man- would rather suffer famine, war, and illness than being your slave but for /one day/!"

The respective parties gear up for battle as Alphonse continues, Fullblade readying his rocket launcher for close-range rape as Khorne Boy starts working up a froth.

"I have persevered through ignorance! I have fought against the yoke your kind would put upon us all in the name of some mockery of 'happiness'! And now you come here, after I have built us up from ashes, seeking to try and buy your way into the hearts of my people?"

He then spits in her face, "This is what I think of your generosity, whore!"

DM goes critical rage at this point, and declares that the Dragons change shape into their full form, causing the roof of the Inn to fly off. He also declares that the Elf princess produces a copy of the portal device and says,

"I know what I must do to stop this tyrant!"

Dragon Princess and her lover-toy fly off into the air as the Elf, without so much as a single reaction roll or anything, smashes the device into the floor of the Inn.

Blowing all of Party B to smitherines in a "mushroom cloud of magic". Party A escapes unscathed from the ruins of the city.

DM then posts a bitchfit of a thread saying that Several players have been removed from the DAM RPG. The story line they are wanting to follow and have been allowed to follow is not a line of this particular story that I can pursue any longer. It is not what I was prepared to DM in this story nor is it what I am willing to continue with. I hope all the players that have been dropped understand this and find other games in which the characters they wish to pursue will fit better."

And then he has the thread locked.

I do not stand for this shit. My friend, who is the admin of the forum, unlocks the thread on my behalf. Being a fellow fa/tg/uy, said admin- upon hearing this tale- "Unlock on account of LOL!"

I truly wish I could present to you the full glory of the shitstorm that followed. I told him every awful rip I had been holding back- Everything from jokes about his wife the "White Whale", to the fact that HE had allowed things to reach this point.

The result? He tells me he's going to hunt me down and "tear out your throat and shit down your neck".

I cackle and post a quick "U Mad?" image.

His rage only magnifies.

Oh, no, I didn't get GM raped. See, even if I lost the battle, I won the war.

How?

I opened a conversation with this guy on MSN, and invited the Head Admin- my buddy- to the chat.

I brought up the death threat he made on me, and provided a screencap. The admin, who doesn't really give a shit, was just going to give him a warning not to do that sort of stuff again on the forum (Terms of Service for the host more than him actually caring).

The DM, thinking he's going to be in deep shit, goes full-on rant mode.

"the [Game I just got booted from] is made up fantasy.. JUST like the "rule" books you refer too... it is all the exact same thing - a bunch of made up BS concocted by people with too much imagination and not enough life. Have fun in a different game."

The head admin is an AVID fan of 3.5.

He reads this, deletes what he says. His neckbeard isn't quite fa/tg/uy worthy, but this guy basically just said that DnD was pretty much a worthless pile of bullshit, even though it's a pretty goddamn big business.

I simply sit back as the head admin, realizing JUST how much of a flaming faggot this guy really is, tears his ass in half.

DM posts a "I am seeking greener pastures" post the next morning.

His game dies with the hero Alphonse Kapown.

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Re: Alphonse Kapown: the Bane of Mary Sues

Post by Guest on Sun May 15, 2011 3:01 am

FUCK RIGHT OFF! I ain mnot reading all fucking that!

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Re: Alphonse Kapown: the Bane of Mary Sues

Post by Mr. Grey on Sun May 15, 2011 6:52 am

That was the best thing I have read in weeks.

Just purely awesome.

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Re: Alphonse Kapown: the Bane of Mary Sues

Post by Mr. Wiggles on Tue May 17, 2011 1:13 pm

That was..... spectacular....

Did you do that yourself Xandus?

Fuck me..... Just fucking awesome

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Re: Alphonse Kapown: the Bane of Mary Sues

Post by Xandy on Tue May 17, 2011 2:41 pm

Wiggly Rascalov wrote:
Did you do that yourself Xandus?

I wish I did. This tale comes from a fellow fa/tg/uy.

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Re: Alphonse Kapown: the Bane of Mary Sues

Post by Mr. Wiggles on Tue May 17, 2011 3:05 pm

Warmaster Xandus wrote:
Wiggly Rascalov wrote:
Did you do that yourself Xandus?

I wish I did. This tale comes from a fellow fa/tg/uy.

Thanks for sharing the epic-ness

What is /tg/? I guess its a 4chan board but i never really visited the place

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Re: Alphonse Kapown: the Bane of Mary Sues

Post by Xandy on Tue May 17, 2011 9:29 pm

That it is. It's 4chan's traditional games board and one of the few good ones left. Many fa/tg/uys are very skilled at storytelling/writefaggotry and you can actually get some good discussion out of the threads there.

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Re: Alphonse Kapown: the Bane of Mary Sues

Post by Komrade Kharloth on Tue May 17, 2011 10:11 pm

Reminds me of the copy-pasta LARP tale that circulates on /tg/.


I applaud.

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Re: Alphonse Kapown: the Bane of Mary Sues

Post by Guest on Wed May 18, 2011 3:25 pm

That was fucking beautiful!

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Re: Alphonse Kapown: the Bane of Mary Sues

Post by MilkyFresh on Wed May 18, 2011 4:06 pm

Very Happy

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