Black Swan, or why I didn't get laid because this shit was disgusting

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Black Swan, or why I didn't get laid because this shit was disgusting

Post by Hubilub on Thu Mar 17, 2011 2:10 pm

(This was written when Ben had a fever of 38 degrees Celsius, and should therefore be read in a really weird, shrill voice and not the usual angry one Ben masters when talking about MovieBob on Skype)

I dun gedit. I dun. How could a movie like this be made when Hollywood
is the way it is? Why do people love it so much? Why are ballerinas so
UGLY? Seriously, they’re fucking hideous. No badonkadonk or titties or
anything! Just Natalie Portman, and that’s fucking gross. When did it
start being okay to make a film about the Tapeworm coercing super-smug
Senator Amidala into being his fucktoy? Like, what the fuck? WHEN WILL
THE WORLD REALIZE THAT VINCENT CASSEL IS FUCKING EVIL?

Shit

So anyway, that guy who made that really fucking trippy Hugh Jackman film
made this one. And this one is shit. It’s a perversion of my second
favorite movie genre! The gory shit! The good kind of shit, cause this
one is bad. Cause it’s about ballerinas. And Ballerinas are fucking
hideous. No badonkadonk or anythi-So anyway, this movie is about Natalie
Portman not being pretty. Her mother is a crazy whore and Portman likes
to dance. So the rapist from Irreversiblè tells her that she can be the
black swan if she just tries (!!!), and then the entire film is a
training montage with pretentiousness, fake lesbian sex and stupid gore.

Now it’s obvious that the art direction for a film like this would be a
contrast between sex and awkwardness. The Black Swan is very sexual,
while the White Swan is a pompous fucking cunt. The entire film is the
senator’s struggle to unlock her chastity belt and fuck Tchaikovsky in
the ass (that’s a metaphor). But apparently that’s not cool anymore. The
director must have thought to himself: “You know what? I’m not going to
be popular with the kids if my artistic decisions make sense! I need to
spice things up!” And then instead of having a normal, pretentious film
about a contrast between sex and no-sex, we get a film with a contrast
between sex and FUCKING INSANITY.

Because for a completely arbitrary reason the main character is insane. No explanation necessary,
people. She’s just (very conveniently) insane. Now some of you might
think: “This is some good shit right here. Spicing things up!” WELL
YOU’RE WRONG. This isn’t good shit. Let me explain.

See, because it is so obvious that the insanity part was added in at the last second,
you can spot all the different things in the film that don’t mesh with
the blood. Very stereotyped characters, very unoriginal plot structure,
very basic stuff going on. But then when you decide to include
completely random disgusting shit here and there, the tone is messed up
beyond belief. First half, where the insanity and gore is mostly (but
not completely) downplayed, the tone is simple: Sexual stuff is abruptly
cut short by a sudden, often intentionally awkward change in tone. This
is supposed to mirror the character of Natalie Portman, who simply can’t
get into the role of the Black Swan, as well as have an artistic
connection to the Swan Lake. It plays into a much bigger picture than
just the story, and it’s what makes this a pretentious art film.

But when you tear shit up with nasties, the connection with the Swan Lake
is severed, and it becomes a failed pretentious art film. AND THOSE ARE
EVEN WORSE, because they are excessively snooty without any reason for
it.

This is really all that needs to be said. The failure at maintaining a comprehensive structure in tone brings the entire movie down, and makes for an incredibly jarring and inconsistent emotional
experience. But I will go on, because I have another bone to pick!

What the fuck makes it okay to show this? Now I’m not an advocate for the
way Hollywood conducts is business, I hate the bastards’ with all my
heart. But what is this double-standard where incredibly sexual and gory
content becomes okay for mainstream release if it tries to be artsy, if
it attempts at being relevant? Are they so desperate with stopping
people for insulting them over being money-hoarding shitheads that they
let anything that might boost their respect ratings on to the silver
screens? Can they at least give me a fucking heads up about it? I SAW
THIS FILM WITH MY GIRLFRIEND DAMN IT! You know how much of a turn off it
is to try and snuggle in a theater while Natalie Portman rips her skin
off and turns into a swan? Jesus fucking Christ.



YOU WHORE


Last edited by Hubilub on Thu Mar 17, 2011 2:27 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Black Swan, or why I didn't get laid because this shit was disgusting

Post by Katzenjammer on Thu Mar 17, 2011 2:25 pm

Nicole Kidman wasn't in it.

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Re: Black Swan, or why I didn't get laid because this shit was disgusting

Post by Dead Herald on Thu Mar 17, 2011 2:25 pm

I thought it Natalie Portman. Is anyone else sick of Natalie Portman? I'm fucking sick of her.

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Re: Black Swan, or why I didn't get laid because this shit was disgusting

Post by Hubilub on Thu Mar 17, 2011 2:26 pm

*pretends calling natalie portman nichole kidman was a joke and edits*

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Re: Black Swan, or why I didn't get laid because this shit was disgusting

Post by Hubilub on Thu Mar 17, 2011 2:27 pm

katzenjammer wrote:Nicole Kidman wasn't in it.

Dead Herald LXI wrote:I thought it Natalie Portman. Is anyone else sick of Natalie Portman? I'm fucking sick of her.
There you go, you picky people, it's fixed

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Re: Black Swan, or why I didn't get laid because this shit was disgusting

Post by MilkyFresh on Thu Mar 17, 2011 2:29 pm

Yeah, pretty sure it was Natalie Portman. Silly fever-swede.

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Re: Black Swan, or why I didn't get laid because this shit was disgusting

Post by Dead Herald on Thu Mar 17, 2011 2:29 pm

It has Natalie Portman, now. That bitch is everywhere.

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Re: Black Swan, or why I didn't get laid because this shit was disgusting

Post by Hubilub on Thu Mar 17, 2011 2:30 pm

Women are all the same anyway

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Re: Black Swan, or why I didn't get laid because this shit was disgusting

Post by MilkyFresh on Thu Mar 17, 2011 2:30 pm

I dun really object to her.

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Re: Black Swan, or why I didn't get laid because this shit was disgusting

Post by MilkyFresh on Thu Mar 17, 2011 2:30 pm

Hubilub wrote:Women are all the same anyway
That's true.

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Re: Black Swan, or why I didn't get laid because this shit was disgusting

Post by Hubilub on Thu Mar 17, 2011 2:31 pm

9 comments that have nothing to do with anything.

I LOVE THIS WEBSITE

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Re: Black Swan, or why I didn't get laid because this shit was disgusting

Post by MilkyFresh on Thu Mar 17, 2011 2:32 pm

Hubilub wrote:9 comments that have nothing to do with anything.

I LOVE THIS WEBSITE
Can we talk about feet now?

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Re: Black Swan, or why I didn't get laid because this shit was disgusting

Post by Hubilub on Thu Mar 17, 2011 2:32 pm

My right foot has been hurting for months now. I think something is broken in it

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Re: Black Swan, or why I didn't get laid because this shit was disgusting

Post by MilkyFresh on Thu Mar 17, 2011 2:34 pm

Hubilub wrote:My right foot has been hurting for months now. I think something is broken in it
If you stick it in the microwave for 45 minutes with a sheet of gladwrap around it it works like a makeshift x-ray.

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Re: Black Swan, or why I didn't get laid because this shit was disgusting

Post by Hubilub on Thu Mar 17, 2011 2:34 pm

Nah man, I tried that and now my balls are swollen

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Re: Black Swan, or why I didn't get laid because this shit was disgusting

Post by MilkyFresh on Thu Mar 17, 2011 2:35 pm

Wait, did I say makeshift x-ray? I meant makeshift lifetime-of-smoking. You have cancer now.

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Re: Black Swan, or why I didn't get laid because this shit was disgusting

Post by Hubilub on Thu Mar 17, 2011 2:35 pm

Fucking awesome.

Now I get money from the government

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Re: Black Swan, or why I didn't get laid because this shit was disgusting

Post by Katzenjammer on Thu Mar 17, 2011 2:36 pm

Hubilub wrote:Nah man, I tried that and now my balls are swollen

Are they swollen enough to use as a mode of transport?

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Re: Black Swan, or why I didn't get laid because this shit was disgusting

Post by Hubilub on Thu Mar 17, 2011 2:37 pm

Yeah man, I have a giant airballoon in my pants

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Re: Black Swan, or why I didn't get laid because this shit was disgusting

Post by Dead Herald on Thu Mar 17, 2011 2:39 pm

I'm afraid of Natalie Portman. She replicates by mitosis. Soon the whole planet will be consumed by Natalie Portmans.

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Re: Black Swan, or why I didn't get laid because this shit was disgusting

Post by MilkyFresh on Thu Mar 17, 2011 2:39 pm

Hubilub wrote:Yeah man, I have a giant airballoon in my pants
Hold a jet lighter underneath it and you should float away.

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Re: Black Swan, or why I didn't get laid because this shit was disgusting

Post by Hubilub on Thu Mar 17, 2011 2:39 pm

Only Nichole Kidman can save us now

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Re: Black Swan, or why I didn't get laid because this shit was disgusting

Post by Hubilub on Thu Mar 17, 2011 2:39 pm

MilkyFresh wrote:
Hubilub wrote:Yeah man, I have a giant airballoon in my pants
Hold a jet lighter underneath it and you should float away.
This shit is brilliant

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Re: Black Swan, or why I didn't get laid because this shit was disgusting

Post by MilkyFresh on Thu Mar 17, 2011 2:40 pm

Hubilub wrote:
MilkyFresh wrote:
Hubilub wrote:Yeah man, I have a giant airballoon in my pants
Hold a jet lighter underneath it and you should float away.
This shit is brilliant
What shit? Burning dick?

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Re: Black Swan, or why I didn't get laid because this shit was disgusting

Post by Katzenjammer on Thu Mar 17, 2011 2:43 pm

Hubilub wrote:Yeah man, I have a giant airballoon in my pants

I was referencing South Park



But that works too!

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Re: Black Swan, or why I didn't get laid because this shit was disgusting

Post by Hubilub on Thu Mar 17, 2011 2:47 pm

katzenjammer wrote:
Hubilub wrote:Yeah man, I have a giant airballoon in my pants

I was referencing South Park



But that works too!
I know you were. But references are lame, so I one-upped South Park.

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Re: Black Swan, or why I didn't get laid because this shit was disgusting

Post by Katzenjammer on Thu Mar 17, 2011 2:50 pm

Huzzah for originality!

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Re: Black Swan, or why I didn't get laid because this shit was disgusting

Post by Furburt on Thu Mar 17, 2011 3:09 pm

Natalie Portman ruined V for Vendetta with her shitness.

Also, COMBUSTION

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Re: Black Swan, or why I didn't get laid because this shit was disgusting

Post by Katzenjammer on Thu Mar 17, 2011 3:12 pm

Maybe i'm just a comic fanboy but I thought that Natalie Portman wasn't the only thing to ruin V for Vendetta.

The book was a billion times better.

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Re: Black Swan, or why I didn't get laid because this shit was disgusting

Post by Furburt on Thu Mar 17, 2011 3:15 pm

Oh, totally. They made it far too black and white.

Hugo Weaving was still great though. Stephen Rea was good too, although I thought Stephen Fry's role was just overly gratuitous. Especially since he's just playing himself.

I can definitely see why Alan Moore doesn't like it.

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Re: Black Swan, or why I didn't get laid because this shit was disgusting

Post by Katzenjammer on Thu Mar 17, 2011 3:28 pm

Yeah, Hugo Weaving was really good as V.

V for Vendetta was still a far better adaptation than the steaming pile of shite that was Watchmen.

That was a genuinely terrible adaptation. It didn't have nearly the same level of detail and depth that made Watchmen what it was. So, in that sense, it was a failed attempt and, in my opinion, should never have been tried.

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Re: Black Swan, or why I didn't get laid because this shit was disgusting

Post by Furburt on Thu Mar 17, 2011 3:29 pm

Poor old Alan Moore.

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Re: Black Swan, or why I didn't get laid because this shit was disgusting

Post by Katzenjammer on Thu Mar 17, 2011 3:36 pm

It's a shame. It must be horrifying seeing your masterpieces raped by Hollywood.

I do love his justification for not wanting his comics made into movies.

"If we only see comics in relation to movies then the best that they will ever be is films that do not move. I found it, in the mid 80s, preferable to concentrate on those things that only comics could achieve. The way in which a tremendous amount of information could be included visually in every panel, the juxtapositions between what a character was saying, and what the image that the reader was looking at would be. So in a sense… most of my work from the 80s onwards was designed to be un-filmable."

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Re: Black Swan, or why I didn't get laid because this shit was disgusting

Post by zombie_fucker on Mon Jun 06, 2011 9:59 am

Besides the prequels trilogy which basically killed Natalie Portman's career. I think the newer films she has been in like Thor and V for Vendetta shows that with the right direction that she can act.

I thought the original comic of V for Vendetta was mainly about anarchy.

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