Now answer me mortals!

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Now answer me mortals!

Post by TheNamlessGuy on Sun Feb 13, 2011 12:46 am

Is this any good?

"Alright, hall 'er up", the man in the raincoat shouted. The man in the
control room pulled his leaver down and the head of the beast went up,
over the edge of the ship and into the cargo hold. It dropped the giant
metal crate onto the cold ships floor.
The beast let out a roar of
dismay. It didn't like to be contained like this. It opened it's mouth
and let out it's bowels contents onto the already wet street.
"Watch
it, it's breathing water again!" the raincoat man shouted. The beast
spat out the last of the water onto one of the workers.
"Hey, watch
it you stupid dragon!", the worker yelled at it. The dragon snorted at
the remark. It's turquoise scales glimmered as the raindrops hit it.
The beast was a water dragon.
This particular breed of dragon has the
ability to store water inside a number of containers inside it's body
and to heat or cool down each container respectively.
The water
dragon looked around itself with sad eyes as the workers left it there
in the rain. As it looked in an alley which many of the workers avoided,
it saw a shadow disappear just behind the corner.

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You gettin' this?

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Re: Now answer me mortals!

Post by Pararaptor on Sun Feb 13, 2011 1:46 am

I'd like it better if you didn't call it a dragon, only the people did. And they did the explanation of its physiology.
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Re: Now answer me mortals!

Post by TheNamlessGuy on Sun Feb 13, 2011 10:12 am

Pararaptor wrote:I'd like it better if you didn't call it a dragon, only the people did. And they did the explanation of its physiology.

Ah, you think like that.

Also, I wasn't sure about the physiology thing, I think I'll put it in later, so it's said by the main character (the shadow).

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I have no nam. No tengo nombr. Je n'ai pas de no. Habeo nam. Jag har inget nam. Tá mé aon ain.
You gettin' this?

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Re: Now answer me mortals!

Post by GrinningManiac on Sun Feb 13, 2011 1:06 pm

Yeah, watch out for that description of the dragon's inner workings. That reeks of Telling instead of Showing.

I enjoyed it - it had a quick pace and was kinda mysterious. I'd clean up your misuse of it's and its and you'll be good to go

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मैं हिन्दी जानना चाहता हूँ…અને ગુજરાતી…ਅਤੇ ਪੰਜਾਬੀ…এবং হয়ত বাংলা.
Aprenderé a bailar salsa y nada detendrá me. 对不起我的中文不好,对不起我不知道你说什么。
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