Gazing

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Gazing

Post by Guest on Thu Feb 10, 2011 8:23 am

Gazing into a self made void of darkness
Made by the doing of the gazer
The gazer's world before the void grows smaller
As the gazer moves, with and without will, deeper into the void.

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Re: Gazing

Post by Wayward on Mon Feb 14, 2011 4:32 am

I dig the general theme of this one, but the second line seems a little awkward. What do you mean by "Made by the doing" and is that a repetition of "self made" in the first line? It often helps to read your poetry aloud so you can hear how the words sound together. Also, the bit in the last line, "the gazer moves, with and without will," is intriguing, maybe you can expand on that? Keep tweaking it, you've got a good start here!

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Re: Gazing

Post by Guest on Mon Feb 14, 2011 4:34 am

Wayward wrote:I dig the general theme of this one, but the second line seems a little awkward. What do you mean by "Made by the doing" and is that a repetition of "self made" in the first line? It often helps to read your poetry aloud so you can hear how the words sound together. Also, the bit in the last line, "the gazer moves, with and without will," is intriguing, maybe you can expand on that? Keep tweaking it, you've got a good start here!
Oh, I did not notice the repeat.
To expand on that, there are things I want to and need to do, but I just won't do them...I want to but I just wont.

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Re: Gazing

Post by Wayward on Mon Feb 14, 2011 4:38 am

Maybe you could come up with an analogy or metaphor for that unwillingness to do what you want and need to and weave that into the poem. Just a thought. Oh, and if you weren't looking for a critique then just disregard all this. Smile

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Re: Gazing

Post by Guest on Mon Feb 14, 2011 4:44 am

Wayward wrote:Maybe you could come up with an analogy or metaphor for that unwillingness to do what you want and need to and weave that into the poem. Just a thought. Oh, and if you weren't looking for a critique then just disregard all this. Smile
I did not make these for artistic reasons, I did it to convey my feelings.

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