I be writing a stories

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I be writing a stories

Post by MilkyFresh on Wed Sep 05, 2012 6:37 pm

Oi. I just started writing a story, looking for some feedback. It's going to be set in some hellish approximation of England during the industrial revolution. Probably going to have five or six narrators, whose storylines will merge together eventually, sort of like Game of Thrones. I've only written like 250 words but let me know what you think.

“Through cobbled streets, with fists of mist,
A daemon lurks, 'twas birthed from Styx,
It takes from windows, candid theft,
The firstborn boys, 'till none are left.

It has no form, that's plain to see,
A monster spawned from you and me,
And now it grins from ear to ear,
The Revolution's drawing near.”

I remember my grandmother singing that to me when I was young, curled up by the fireplace in her dark, single room house. The building could impartially be described as a hovel, although I always found it to be a comforting place. It was sunk well below street level and had to be accessed by a soggy wooden door in an alleyway off Loxford Street, an area which was, and still is, something of an epicentre for crime in the industrial district of Tartarakh. From Grandma's armchair against the back wall you could look out of her small, raised window and see the feet of passing business men, street vendors and vagrants. There was nothing to mute the noise of the thriving city above us, and she would often complain of sleepless nights due to the bustling of what she described as “the ravaged masses and the wicked whip machines of their insatiable overseers”. She had a poetic manner not just in her speech, but in her thoughts as well. To her the city was just a construct within which to exploit the poor, the stupid and the wilfully ignorant; anybody who fell outside of those three categories surely had malevolent intentions and was to be regarded as an enemy.

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Re: I be writing a stories

Post by Furburt on Wed Sep 05, 2012 6:42 pm

I like the atmosphere already. Much better than more high fantasy medieval bullshit. Reads very well too. I'd suggest establishing a vernacular, make sure each character has a consistent way of talking so the audience has an in to this new world.

Ever hear of Gormenghast? Written by a friend of JRR Tolkien's in the 30's, it's all about a decaying castle ruled over by a squabbling family. The time period is a bit before yours but it has the best descriptions of decay I've ever read.

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Re: I be writing a stories

Post by MilkyFresh on Wed Sep 05, 2012 6:47 pm

Furburt wrote:I like the atmosphere already. Much better than more high fantasy medieval bullshit. Reads very well too. I'd suggest establishing a vernacular, make sure each character has a consistent way of talking so the audience has an in to this new world.

Ever hear of Gormenghast? Written by a friend of JRR Tolkien's in the 30's, it's all about a decaying castle ruled over by a squabbling family. The time period is a bit before yours but it has the best descriptions of decay I've ever read.
Thanks dude, appreciate it. I've already got a couple of different ways of speaking lined up for some characters, that shit is important. Grandma, for instance, in inspired by melodramatic Irish battle poets.

Never heard of Gormenghast, I might give it a read. Been looking for something new and that sounds pretty up my alley.

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Re: I be writing a stories

Post by ggggggggggg on Wed Sep 05, 2012 7:53 pm

You have a great writing style. I have a strong feel for the place just from that little paragraph. When I'm not so busy, do you mind if I illustrate little snippets of this from time to time?

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Re: I be writing a stories

Post by Furburt on Wed Sep 05, 2012 7:55 pm

Oh shit yeah.

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Re: I be writing a stories

Post by Mr. Wiggles on Wed Sep 05, 2012 8:02 pm

I agree with all of the above. When I read to this, I feel myself gently sliding into the warm bath of immersion and I don't want to leave. You sir are a mighty fine raconteur!

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Re: I be writing a stories

Post by PayJ on Wed Sep 05, 2012 8:04 pm

You got a real feel for the atmosphere in such a short paragraph. That's real talent.

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Re: I be writing a stories

Post by ggggggggggg on Wed Sep 05, 2012 8:06 pm

Dibs on sucking Milky's dick first.

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Re: I be writing a stories

Post by Furburt on Wed Sep 05, 2012 8:09 pm

Nay, retreat from the blackened stump, it brings only misery and war!

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Re: I be writing a stories

Post by ggggggggggg on Wed Sep 05, 2012 8:13 pm

Oh fine. But only because I have to go now anyways.

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Re: I be writing a stories

Post by MilkyFresh on Thu Sep 06, 2012 4:02 am

VezaRez wrote:You have a great writing style. I have a strong feel for the place just from that little paragraph. When I'm not so busy, do you mind if I illustrate little snippets of this from time to time?
I would love that man, go nuts. Every time I get a couple of pages done I'll post them on this page.
Mr. Wiggles wrote:I agree with all of the above. When I read to this, I feel myself gently sliding into the warm bath of immersion and I don't want to leave. You sir are a mighty fine raconteur!

PayJ wrote:You got a real feel for the atmosphere in such a short paragraph. That's real talent.
Thanks everybody, I'm glad you all like it so far :mac:

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Re: I be writing a stories

Post by Pararaptor on Thu Sep 06, 2012 6:59 am

VezaRez wrote:Dibs on sucking Milky's dick first.
TOO LATE NIGGER

Milky dear, what do you mean by hellish? So it is fantasy or what?

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Re: I be writing a stories

Post by MilkyFresh on Thu Sep 06, 2012 7:34 am

Yeah, it's fantasy. Probably nothing insanely far fetched, but not grounded in historical accuracy either. A frightening and disturbing place based on 1800s England. Loosely.
Possibly with some allusions to Greek mythology mixed in.

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Re: I be writing a stories

Post by NightSwimming on Thu Sep 06, 2012 9:25 am

Brilliant work Milks, I can't wait to read more. As everyone has said, you've managed to suck us all into the story in only one paragraph. Well done, man!

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Re: I be writing a stories

Post by Furburt on Thu Sep 06, 2012 9:53 am

You've managed to suck us all.

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Re: I be writing a stories

Post by Furburt on Thu Sep 06, 2012 9:57 am

Thank the Academy, bitch! THANK THE FUCKING ACADEMY!

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Re: I be writing a stories

Post by MilkyFresh on Thu Sep 06, 2012 10:36 am

TrollEd

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Re: I be writing a stories

Post by Pararaptor on Thu Sep 06, 2012 12:26 pm

MilkyFresh wrote:Yeah, it's fantasy. Probably nothing insanely far fetched, but not grounded in historical accuracy either. A frightening and disturbing place based on 1800s England. Loosely.
Possibly with some allusions to Greek mythology mixed in.
Huh. I did a similar thing in that semester where I learned I couldn't write for shit.
There was far-fetched stuff though.

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Re: I be writing a stories

Post by MilkyFresh on Thu Sep 06, 2012 3:05 pm

A little more.

Fourteen years have passed since then, and I can't even be sure that Grandma's house still exists. It's likely to have fallen into disrepair after her death, as my father had as much interest in its maintenance as he does in the well-being of his children, who I am told are numerous and misbegotten. I am undoubtedly the only member of his brood with the capacity to read or write, a privilege I have my grandmother to thank for. After I was born she took me in and gave me an upbringing that was every bit as emotionally warm as it was physically cold, due to the fact that we could only light a fire if I managed to scrounge up dry firewood in a wet city, which was more often the result of happenstance than any particular skill on my part. Nonetheless, whatever moments of sadness I had growing up were more than offset by the benefits of the education I was receiving and the love of my grandmother. Life didn't truly start to get difficult until she died, which in some ways seemed to be the best possible outcome of her illness. She was losing her sanity day by day, her poetic rants about society slowly being replaced by inane babbling, vile obscenities spewing from her mouth, or rather the mouth that was once hers, only to be followed immediately by prolonged, delirious cackling. I remember one occasion when I returned home late after visiting the fish market, my mouth bloodied from tripping over in my hurry to get home before nightfall. I expected her to chastise me for making her worried, or to fuss over my broken lip and tell me how relieved she was that I was home safe. Instead I burst through the door to find her sitting in the darkest corner of the room, farthest from the window. She turned her head to face me and declared that she had thrown out the armchair. She no longer found it pleasing to sit on, and what's more she didn't feel that it had her well-being at heart. The remaining year of her life played out through a series of extreme highs and lows, both marked by bizarre, inexplicable behaviour. By the time she passed on I had found myself dreading coming home every day, finding her body was almost a relief.

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Re: I be writing a stories

Post by Furburt on Thu Sep 06, 2012 3:08 pm

Damn good stuff sir. It's a bit Dickensian, actually.

One thing though, you gotta do a bit of formatting. My eyes kept falling off the paragraph.

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Re: I be writing a stories

Post by MilkyFresh on Thu Sep 06, 2012 3:18 pm

Oh shit, I didn't even notice. I absolutely do.

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Re: I be writing a stories

Post by Guest on Thu Sep 06, 2012 3:35 pm

Honestly, ever since you wrote that shit about mandibles I've been looking forward to this.
5/6 narrators sounds like a clusterfuck though.

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Re: I be writing a stories

Post by MilkyFresh on Thu Sep 06, 2012 3:45 pm

I agree actually, been thinking I'll reduce it to two or three. Get more developed characters that way.

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Re: I be writing a stories

Post by Mr. Wiggles on Thu Sep 06, 2012 5:50 pm

MilkyFresh wrote:I agree actually, been thinking I'll reduce it to two or three. Get more developed characters that way.

Definitely. Each narrator ought to be different in order to be interesting and with six or so narrators, it can be very difficult to maintain this. One of the worst books, I read had five plus narrators. It just made every chapter feel like a tangent with out there being a main plot line.

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Re: I be writing a stories

Post by PayJ on Thu Sep 06, 2012 5:53 pm

I don't normally like fictional stories but I could see myself following this.

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Re: I be writing a stories

Post by MilkyFresh on Thu Sep 06, 2012 6:15 pm

Mr. Wiggles wrote:
MilkyFresh wrote:I agree actually, been thinking I'll reduce it to two or three. Get more developed characters that way.

Definitely. Each narrator ought to be different in order to be interesting and with six or so narrators, it can be very difficult to maintain this. One of the worst books, I read had five plus narrators. It just made every chapter feel like a tangent with out there being a main plot line.
At the same time, Game of Thrones is one of the best fantasy books I've ever read, and that had... five? six? I forget. But I'm not George R. R. Martin.

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Re: I be writing a stories

Post by Alkaline on Thu Sep 06, 2012 6:18 pm

Bloody good stuff, my man. Very Happy

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Re: I be writing a stories

Post by Pararaptor on Fri Sep 07, 2012 6:47 am

Damn, I really want you to complete this now.

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Re: I be writing a stories

Post by NightSwimming on Fri Sep 07, 2012 8:27 am

Oim loven it sick, ay!

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Re: I be writing a stories

Post by MilkyFresh on Fri Sep 07, 2012 12:42 pm

I'll only update when I have a few pages done from now on. I write pretty slowly but I'll bang it up here soon enough.

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Re: I be writing a stories

Post by Mr. Wiggles on Sun Dec 30, 2012 5:53 pm

NOW YOU ARE UNEMPLOYED WRITE THIS.

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Re: I be writing a stories

Post by MilkyFresh on Sun Dec 30, 2012 6:03 pm

It's still on my computer. Maybe one day (never).

I'm going camping soon, maybe I'll bring a note book and write some more up there.

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Re: I be writing a stories

Post by Mr. Wiggles on Sun Dec 30, 2012 6:11 pm

MILKY IF I DO NOT SEE AT LEAST A NOVELLA I WILL USE THE FOLLOWING IMAGE.

rageiscontemptable

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Re: I be writing a stories

Post by MilkyFresh on Sun Dec 30, 2012 6:19 pm

:Chef:

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Re: I be writing a stories

Post by Mr. Wiggles on Sun Dec 30, 2012 6:26 pm

DON'T MAKE ME PISTOL WHIP YOUR ASS!

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