Shit My Everyone Says

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Shit My Everyone Says

Post by NightSwimming on Tue Mar 06, 2012 12:47 am

What are some of the most ridiculous things you've heard people say that make your usually calm temper rise above and want to apocalypse dey ass?

Father: You should turn the kettle off just before it reaches boiling point. That way, the oxygen stays in the water and your coffee doesn't taste flat.
Father's Cousin: Bah! There's no oxygen in water!
Everyone: WHHHAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTT????!!!!11//[?!!???????
F: Yes there fucking is. H2O. Two parts oxygen, one part hydrogen...
FC: If there's oxygen in it, then why can't we breathe under water?
F: WE DON'T HAVE GILLS!!
FC: Why the bloody hell would we need gills for?

Father's cousin, Tony, is a 60 year old man who once upon a time was a decent human being with contributions to society. He is now dead to us.

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Re: Shit My Everyone Says

Post by Walnutman on Tue Mar 06, 2012 12:55 am

There is a bunch of girls in my Media studies class who've said some extremely dumb things, such as:

Can white people be muslims?

Who is David Cameron and why was he talking in Parliament?

How did he get it, none of us voted for him! (no one in the class is old enough to vote)

I think it's a good idea to get rid of a minimum wage.

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Re: Shit My Everyone Says

Post by Xandy on Tue Mar 06, 2012 1:40 am

BRIAN YOUR GAMES ARE SLOWING DOWN THE COMPUTER'S INTERNET

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Re: Shit My Everyone Says

Post by Komrade Kharloth on Tue Mar 06, 2012 1:58 am

"Love makes the world go round"

Spoken with absolute seriousness by my stepmother, a woman in her mid-40s. I can understand being sentimental and romantic, but honestly believing that the world/society exists solely because of love is the most fucking retarded thing I've heard.

I countered her point with "No, physically, gravity does, methaphorically, money does"

"Well, you just don't understand, you haven't been in love"

I wanted to punch her.

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Re: Shit My Everyone Says

Post by MilkyFresh on Tue Mar 06, 2012 2:06 am

"If you keep smoking those cigarettes you're going to get cancer"


Pfffft. What utter bullshit.

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Re: Shit My Everyone Says

Post by Komrade Kharloth on Tue Mar 06, 2012 2:09 am

>those cigarettes

Switch to a different brand, suddenly no cancer.

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Re: Shit My Everyone Says

Post by MilkyFresh on Tue Mar 06, 2012 2:14 am

Whitox seems healthy, I'll start smoking that.


(nobody who smokes whiteox has any teeth)

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Re: Shit My Everyone Says

Post by Xandy on Tue Mar 06, 2012 2:22 am

"The persians invented chess, ya know."
"The persians invented civil rights, ya know."

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Re: Shit My Everyone Says

Post by MilkyFresh on Tue Mar 06, 2012 2:27 am

The only things the persians invented were underhanded sales tactics and political corruption.

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Re: Shit My Everyone Says

Post by NightSwimming on Tue Mar 06, 2012 2:39 am

Komrade Kharloth wrote:"Well, you just don't understand, you haven't been in love"

I wanted to punch her.
If you told her you wanted to punch her, I imagine her reply would have been, "More like, punch drunk LOVE!"

Also, very, very lovely avatar.

MilkyFresh wrote:Whitox seems healthy, I'll start smoking that.

(nobody who smokes whiteox has any teeth)
Also, everyone who smokes Whiteox is over the age of 65.


My old housemate (raised by highly religious parents) thinks that a man and a woman who abuse their child in every way possible are still better parents than a gay couple who raise a child with love, tenderness, opportunities and a high moral compass. Cunt.

Girl I used to know, Crystal Davison (first clue she's stupid, is that her name is Crystal):
"Do black people have black sperm?"
"I think I had an orgasm. I wasn't sure though, I just kind of passed out."
"Can you get pregnant if you have sex with a tampon in?"
She also stole 6 grand off her grandparents while they were away on holidays. She found the cash hidden in the shed. I guess she thought they wouldn't notice her new phone, ipod and clothes, and that the PS2 and every SingStar ever just appeared out of nowhere.

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Re: Shit My Everyone Says

Post by MilkyFresh on Tue Mar 06, 2012 2:40 am

Ah, abortion girl. Haven't seen her in a while.

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Re: Shit My Everyone Says

Post by Komrade Kharloth on Tue Mar 06, 2012 2:49 am



@nightswimming.

Here's a better version.

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Re: Shit My Everyone Says

Post by MilkyFresh on Tue Mar 06, 2012 2:52 am

Thanks Kharloth. The higher resolution really adds to my sense of existential terror.

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Re: Shit My Everyone Says

Post by NightSwimming on Tue Mar 06, 2012 3:26 am

Definitely my new background.

Milky, did you know she had so may botched illegal abortions before she was 18 that now she only has a 5% chance of getting pregnant. Good job Indian doctor in the alleyway. You've bettered the world with your vodka and bent out coathanger.

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Re: Shit My Everyone Says

Post by MilkyFresh on Tue Mar 06, 2012 3:30 am

I suspected as much. A family friend of ours had like five when she was younger, can't get pregnant now. Tends to happen.

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Re: Shit My Everyone Says

Post by GrinningManiac on Tue Mar 06, 2012 3:33 am

It's NEO CORTEX

OT:

"Rape is like Alton Towers" (I still can't quite work out what he meant by that but he managed to alienate and offend every girl in a 4 mile radius)

"Sexual harrasment in the workplace is a compliment to a woman's beauty and it's such a shame women get all stupid about it" (same guy)

"If you put water in boiling oil it'll start a fire! NO DON'T DO IT!" (same guy)

"Cus...like...Oh god, I dunno" (same guy) (pronoucned KUZ...LAAKH...OMMUHGAAUD...AH DUNNOU)

"You look Polish!" (same guy said to Englsih roommate)
"Did anyone ever tell you that you look Indian?" (same guy to same roommate)
"You look Somalian (his word for "all of Africa + Arab nations + Iran")" (same guy to same roommate (also said this to roommates of Ghanan and Nigerian descent)
What makes this barrage of idiocy worse is that SHE LOOKS SPANISH. THE ROOMMATE IN QUESTION LOOKS SPANISH. THAT'S THE WHOLE THING EVERYONE COMMENTS ON - SHE'S FLUENT IN SPANISH AND SHE COULD PASS FOR A SPANIARD!

His one redeeming factor is that, being Greek Cypriot, he is insanely well-informed on the history of Cyprusa and the political subtelties of everything going on there. If you ask him anything about Greece, Cyprus or Turkish involvement in either he will suddenly become a knowledgable, well-informed person with a very thick (stupid) London accent.


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Re: Shit My Everyone Says

Post by NightSwimming on Tue Mar 06, 2012 3:41 am

My father was on the back verandah. The kitchen (open plan living & kitchen area) is at the other end of the house. He noticed that the sunset was so bright and beautiful it lit up the kitchen and it looked spectacular. He sat there for about 20 seconds marveling, until my mother started screaming. He let the oil on the stove heat up so much that it formed a gigantic fireball (some say it was like a sunset) and burnt the kitchen down.
He then told everyone it wasn't his fault and claimed double the amount of insurance than what the kitchen was actually worth. He then said he should've spread the oil into the loungeroom so we could've bought new carpet.

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Nothing scares gay folk and black people like Irish crap.
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Re: Shit My Everyone Says

Post by MilkyFresh on Tue Mar 06, 2012 3:47 am

My dad just picks up Mcdonalds receipts off the ground, goes into the shop and demands "new" burgers without pickles. He also crushes boxes of biscuits in IGA and then requests a discount because they're damaged.

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WHY MONKEY, WHY?
No one loves a prick,
No one loves a coffee sniffing motherfucker.
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Re: Shit My Everyone Says

Post by MilkyFresh on Tue Mar 06, 2012 3:47 am

Lower level fraud.

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WHY MONKEY, WHY?
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No one loves a coffee sniffing motherfucker.
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Re: Shit My Everyone Says

Post by NightSwimming on Tue Mar 06, 2012 5:31 am

The Maccas thing - genius.
The crushed box thing - I used to do that, then I'd put a reduced sticker on it, put it at the bottom of the 'reduced items trolley' and on my lunchbreak/hometime I would buy whatever it was. I also had a bunch of checkseal stickers. If you were a worker, anything that was in your bag that you could buy in store had to have a checkseal over the barcode. Just proof of purchase, basically. I never bought deodorant or expensive items, I'd just whack a checkseal on it & walk out. FIGHT AGAINST CONSUMERISM (buy not paying for shit)!

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First thing we gotta do is get rid of all these shamrocks.
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Re: Shit My Everyone Says

Post by NightSwimming on Tue Mar 06, 2012 5:34 am

@Kharloth: Now also my phone screensaver. If anyone steals my phone, they'll be too scared to even try and figure out the password! MWAHAHAHA
Spoiler:


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Re: Shit My Everyone Says

Post by Alkaline on Tue Mar 06, 2012 5:58 am

NightSwimming wrote:The Maccas thing - genius.

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Re: Shit My Everyone Says

Post by Pararaptor on Tue Mar 06, 2012 7:31 am

Stuff that I got mad at is a waste so I'm gonna go ahead and post things people've said that made me laugh my ass off.

My friend Skip, watching the video for Ebony and Ivory for the first time. "Hey it's Stevie Wonder! And some white guy!"

"We can just take the train up to New Zealand, can't we?"

When we were watching a video about ancient Egypt in school:
"Are these actors or did they like actually film it there, in that time?"
From the same girl, watching a video about Mars:
"Are they actually filming on Mars?"

In Bio last year, there were these three girls who got good marks on their work, but managed to spout the dumbest shit in class:

"If humans have 23 chromosomes and butterflies have 108, does that mean they're smarter than us?"
"If we share so much DNA with corn, does that make eating corn, like, cannibalism?"
"Wait so the foregut goes behind the gut? So where does the hindgut go? So wait, where's the foregut? So the hindgut's before the gut? Wait the foregut? So where does the hindgut go? Then what about the foregut? So wait, hang on, the foregut goes after the gut?"
"Everyone remember to revise where the foregut and hindgut go!"

I was talking about an article I read where they'd got monkeys to control a robot arm with their thoughts alone, one of them whips around and says, in a tone that suggests she's arguing with me, "Yeah but once they gave a monkey marijuana in an experiment and it went really crazy" and turned back around.

Watching films these have all come from the one girl.

In The Lost Boys, periodically across the film at least 3 times after the scene where they were actually eating rice:
"Wait weren't they eating rice just before?"

In Mallrats, "Wait which one's Silent Bob?"
"I still don't know who Silent Bob is."
"But he talked, I thought he was Silent Bob?"

In Daybreakers, about the main character and the first vampire-cum-human-again: "Wait are they brothers?"
And then the gem of this collection, at the end of the film, "Is this movie about vampires?"
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Re: Shit My Everyone Says

Post by MilkyFresh on Tue Mar 06, 2012 10:18 am

We read Emma in literature, then, after six months of studying the book and having intense class discussions, we watched the movie. First five minutes:

"Is Emma dead?"

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Re: Shit My Everyone Says

Post by Pararaptor on Thu Mar 08, 2012 12:43 pm

"What's that film, the nice, the bad, and the really bad?"
"The Good the Bad and the Ugly?"
"Yeah!"
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Re: Shit My Everyone Says

Post by LordCuthberton on Tue Mar 13, 2012 9:52 pm

My father is the king of this.

So many things I can't remember half of them.

I once came home to find him kneeling by the freezer, covered in water while panicking. He looked at me in shock and said "Don't tell your mother but I accidently froze the bread"

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Re: Shit My Everyone Says

Post by Mr. Wiggles on Tue Mar 13, 2012 10:17 pm

Joe-"WHATS BIG JESUS CALLED?"
Me-"..Um.. What? What do you mean Joe?"
"Y'know the really big Jesus?"
Kaz- "What? Touchdown Jesus?"
"No! BIG JESUS... Y'know!?"
Me- "Sorry, I don't think I do mate"

*Runs off to ask an overweight IT technician*
*Returns 15 seconds later*
Joe-"IT'S CALLED CHRIST THE REDEEMER IDIOT!"
Me-"Fuck off Big Jesus"

And from that day onwards, he was known as Big Jesus to all! Well, until the Cleveland Show came out. Due to his simple (and black) nature, poor Joe became the subject of much theme tune singing(and racism).

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Re: Shit My Everyone Says

Post by Komrade Kharloth on Tue Mar 13, 2012 11:00 pm

My stepmother is retarded, but it's funny as hell to piss her off sometimes.

>she be talking to my sister, who recently got divorced from her cunt of a husband.

>bitching about men's lack of commitment, while my sister just sighs and listens, she wants to put it behind her but my stepmother can't shut the fuck up about anything.

>ignore it as it's just normal Tina-Gibberish

>fucking starts lecturing me and my brother on treating women with "respect", or worshipping the fucking ground they walk on as a normal person would see it.

>nope.jpg

"Hey Tina, if men can't commit to relationships, then why do women iniate 75% of divorces?"

She just stares at me for a second, unable to find away to twist this information in a manner that makes her seem right. Somehow this means to her that 75% of divorces must involve a man abusing a woman emotionally or physically. Those little moments where I show her that she's an idiot are awesome.

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Re: Shit My Everyone Says

Post by PayJ on Tue Mar 13, 2012 11:03 pm

It's at times like that I'm glad I've got a brother.

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Re: Shit My Everyone Says

Post by Komrade Kharloth on Tue Mar 13, 2012 11:05 pm

I got one too, my sister was actually just humouring my stepmother by letting her rant for the upteenth time about her husband and men in general.

She probably has more of a manly look on life than most dudes I know.

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Re: Shit My Everyone Says

Post by PayJ on Tue Mar 13, 2012 11:14 pm

Blame the beer I completely misread your post.

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Re: Shit My Everyone Says

Post by Komrade Kharloth on Tue Mar 13, 2012 11:26 pm

I blame you Joe.



YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

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Re: Shit My Everyone Says

Post by PayJ on Tue Mar 13, 2012 11:28 pm

Me, ME I did nothing wrong god damn it. They where on offer in tesco's god damn it! It's the beers fault for being so cheap.

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Re: Shit My Everyone Says

Post by Guest on Wed Mar 14, 2012 11:37 am

NightSwimming wrote:What are some of the most ridiculous things you've heard people say that make your usually calm temper rise above and want to apocalypse dey ass?

Father: You should turn the kettle off just before it reaches boiling point. That way, the oxygen stays in the water and your coffee doesn't taste flat.
Father's Cousin: Bah! There's no oxygen in water!
Everyone: WHHHAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTT????!!!!11//[?!!???????
F: Yes there fucking is. H2O. Two parts oxygen, one part hydrogen...
FC: If there's oxygen in it, then why can't we breathe under water?
F: WE DON'T HAVE GILLS!!
FC: Why the bloody hell would we need gills for?

Father's cousin, Tony, is a 60 year old man who once upon a time was a decent human being with contributions to society. He is now dead to us.
I'm confused, doou realise your father is wrong?

When you boil water, you aren't removing the oxygen from it. If you were an incredibly flammable gas/acid/salty mess would be left. Heating water to a boil results in the molecules of water (H2O) gaining enough kinetic energy to become gaseous. However the oxygen is still bound to the hydrogen, that's what steam is just hot H2O.

So while your cousin is wrong about there being no oxygen in water, its not going to be 'flat' if you reduce the temperature.

Sorry to be that guy.

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Re: Shit My Everyone Says

Post by Pararaptor on Wed Mar 14, 2012 11:41 am

Don't you get O2 gas dispersed very finely in water though?
Isn't that why you have bubblers in fishtanks?
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Re: Shit My Everyone Says

Post by Guest on Wed Mar 14, 2012 5:40 pm

Pararaptor wrote:Don't you get O2 gas dispersed very finely in water though?
Isn't that why you have bubblers in fishtanks?
You do. Bubblers turn the water from oxygen poor to oxygen rich. Tap water is already oxygen poor, so heating it will result in negligible differences.

I am assuming that you're not boiling aquarium water for your coffee.

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Re: Shit My Everyone Says

Post by NightSwimming on Wed Mar 14, 2012 11:38 pm

stinkychops wrote:When you boil water, you aren't removing the oxygen from it. If you were an incredibly flammable gas/acid/salty mess would be left. Heating water to a boil results in the molecules of water (H2O) gaining enough kinetic energy to become gaseous. However the oxygen is still bound to the hydrogen, that's what steam is just hot H2O.

So while your cousin is wrong about there being no oxygen in water, its not going to be 'flat' if you reduce the temperature.

Sorry to be that guy.

It's quite obvious that the oxygen doesn't 'leave'. This was just after trying to explain it to Dad's cousin in the simplest way possible.

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Re: Shit My Everyone Says

Post by Guest on Thu Mar 15, 2012 10:25 am

NightSwimming wrote:
stinkychops wrote:When you boil water, you aren't removing the oxygen from it. If you were an incredibly flammable gas/acid/salty mess would be left. Heating water to a boil results in the molecules of water (H2O) gaining enough kinetic energy to become gaseous. However the oxygen is still bound to the hydrogen, that's what steam is just hot H2O.

So while your cousin is wrong about there being no oxygen in water, its not going to be 'flat' if you reduce the temperature.

Sorry to be that guy.

It's quite obvious that the oxygen doesn't 'leave'. This was just after trying to explain it to Dad's cousin in the simplest way possible.
I still don't understand what you mean. How does boiling the coffee make it flat?

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Re: Shit My Everyone Says

Post by NightSwimming on Thu Mar 15, 2012 11:10 pm

I'M NOT A FUCKING BOTANIST! I DON'T KNOW! IT JUST DOES!

Plus it burns the coffee, so it tastes gross. Next time you're making a coffee (if you drink it) make two cups. One with the kettle turned off just before boiling point and one with the kettle all the way boiled.

Also, the botanist thing was just to make myself laugh. Don't get all up in my grillz for that too.


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Re: Shit My Everyone Says

Post by PayJ on Thu Mar 15, 2012 11:20 pm

I'mma gunna get all up in your grill motherfucker.

How many cups of coffee do you actually drink in an hour?

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