My Cracked submission

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My Cracked submission

Post by MilkyFresh on Wed Feb 15, 2012 12:31 am

Spoiler:

The 5 worst things Cracked columnists do

As should be readily apparent to anybody who frequents this website, Cracked columnists have all the aptitude and writing ability of a floundering sperm whale on a sandy grave, the only difference being that there's little entertainment to be yielded from watching their death throes. So, being the good Samaritan that I am, I decided to lend a helping hand instead of standing idly by with a set of hedge trimmers waiting to strip them of their delicious blubber. In this article I will attempt to point out some of the most glaring flaws in this website, harshly criticise them, and be awarded with money.
While I'm well aware that doing this is the near equivalent of writing "FUCK YOU" in 74 point Comic Sans and handing it in as a job application, I'm hoping that the fine staff of Cracked.com appreciate the boldness imbued in me by living alongside the horrifying Australian animals so frequently mentioned on this website. As a matter of fact, there are plenty of things done so frequently on Cracked that they've become more tedious and irksome than the "arrow in the knee" jokes in the comment section. I'll try and cover them as concisely and as helpfully as possible.

5 - Using the word "you" instead of "me"

I don't like being told what to think. I don't doubt that that's a common trait that I share with most humans, and while I'm not accusing Gladstone of suggesting that I ever dreamed of being a [link]vampire or a sexually confusing alien glam rocker[/link], the phrasing of a lot of Cracked articles is as misleading and obnoxious as those internet banner ads that tell me I can make my penis 10 inches longer without involving surgery or expanding foam. Why would I want a 22 inch penis anyway?
The problem with these articles is that I don't want to read about Gladstone's failed dreams, I want to read about my own, that's why I clicked the article. Why is it that there was no mention of my idolisation of Richard E. Grant, nor my close resemblance to Gary Busey? Everybody went into that article faintly hoping to gain a profound insight into their own damaged psyche, and were instead treated to an oddly framed image of Gladstone's nipple. What with all the in jokes, homoerotic photographs and aggressive banners featuring their own names it's almost as if the columnists are trying to foster some sort of cult of personality around themselves, which is interesting because they're all very uncharismatic and boring people. While we're on the subject...

4 - Stop giving out life advice

This really ought to go without saying. You work on a comedy website derived from a Mad magazine knock off, you aren't in any position to be offering [link]career advice[/link] or [link]guidance on how best to live your life[/link]. Besides anything else, people come here to read comedy, not to be lectured and not to hear your fucking life story. We've all got stories, and most of ours end more happily than living in public housing once the internet gets sick of your particular brand of comedy. Perhaps I've missed the point here, but I can't imagine the three stooges stopping mid-routine to earnestly explain the value of OH & S regulations, pointing out that you won't realise the danger until you fall into a coma from too many step ladders to the brain. That isn't funny; it just makes you view the stooges in a new, sad, light. Stick to dick jokes.

3 - More dick jokes

Seriously guys, there haven't been enough lately. Pointing out dick jokes [link]other people made 500 years ago[/link] does not have the same effect as a quality dick joke of your own, something fresh and exciting, like a recently circumcised child penis. Ha! Didn't see the paedophilia angle coming into that did you? Please give me a job.

2 - Employing seanbaby

Have you seen this fucker's face? Look at it, look at the face!
[image][/image]
That isn't the face of a man you want working for you. That isn't the face of a man who should be trusted to use a thermometer without biting it open and drinking all the mercury. I wouldn't wash my hands next to him in a public toilet for fear that he'd kick the mirror in the face for staring at him, then eat all the broken glass of the floor and wash it down with his own blood. Look up at the image again. This is a man that you employ. Your money allows him to continue living within society, acting out violent, demented fantasies in his private life. No respectable publication has given money to a man so clearly insane since somebody at Sports Illustrated said "hey, this Hunter fellow seems reasonable, perhaps he'd like to cover the Mint 400?".

1 - Allowing me to do this

Giving the general public a platform to try and be funny on is an awful idea. Look at this mess of an article, it's appalling. I'm ashamed and you should be ashamed for letting it get to this point. You promised you were open to submissions from anybody, one thing lead to another and here we are. Nothing but hurt feelings and disappointed faces. I'm sorry.




Do you think I'll get a job?


Last edited by MilkyFresh on Wed Feb 15, 2012 12:41 am; edited 2 times in total

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Re: My Cracked submission

Post by MilkyFresh on Wed Feb 15, 2012 12:33 am

Oh wait, they only want pitches not full articles. Oh well.

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Re: My Cracked submission

Post by Mr. Wiggles on Wed Feb 15, 2012 12:39 am

A respectable shenanigan, if I may say so.

Although, I'm not sure whether this one of your shenanigans ranks higher than taking a piss on the national karate champion...

I must retire to the library for some deep thought.

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Re: My Cracked submission

Post by MilkyFresh on Wed Feb 15, 2012 12:43 am

Being home alone is boring, there weren't any karate champions to piss on.

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Re: My Cracked submission

Post by PayJ on Wed Feb 15, 2012 12:48 am

Before submitting it I would work on the article a bit more to completely mirror a cracked article. I like your points but it would be alot smarter if it perfectly imitated a cracked article.

However this is completely my opinion.

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Re: My Cracked submission

Post by MilkyFresh on Wed Feb 15, 2012 12:50 am

Yeah, that was the original plan, kind of gave up though.

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Re: My Cracked submission

Post by PayJ on Wed Feb 15, 2012 12:54 am

Ah come back to it in a bit. Rome wasn't built in a day and the perfect mocking can't be done in one draft. Considering the fanboys are going to tear this to shreds in the comments section might aswell give them something to shred. If you know what I mean.

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Re: My Cracked submission

Post by Mr. Wiggles on Wed Feb 15, 2012 12:54 am

I know what you mean, man. Spent most of this holiday at home alone.

ALSO, FUCKING POOR SHOW! I DON'T WANT EXCUSES! I WANT SOME FUCKING CRAZY SHIT! MOLEST A SPIDER! FREEZE PISS ON SOMEONE'S WINDSCREEN! SHIT IN AWKWARD PLACES!

And you call yourself disturbed!

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Re: My Cracked submission

Post by Furburt on Wed Feb 15, 2012 1:55 am

Very funny overall. Agree with PayJ. More Teddy Roosevelt.

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Re: My Cracked submission

Post by PayJ on Wed Feb 15, 2012 1:58 am

Furburt wrote:More Teddy Roosevelt.

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Re: My Cracked submission

Post by Xandy on Wed Feb 15, 2012 4:06 am

Mention how, whenever someone in a Cracked article claims something is TOTALLY BAWESOME, it isn't nearly as cool as they think to the reader.

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Re: My Cracked submission

Post by Komrade Kharloth on Wed Feb 15, 2012 4:07 am

Also: Rag on that terrible fucking woman writer they have.

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Re: My Cracked submission

Post by MilkyFresh on Wed Feb 15, 2012 7:50 am

Fucking Christina H.

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Re: My Cracked submission

Post by LordCuthberton on Wed Feb 15, 2012 12:14 pm

A shame to all Christina H's everywhere.


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