PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

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PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

Post by PayJ on Wed Feb 15, 2012 12:02 am



I thought I understood beer. I was at peace with my Carling's, Carlsberg's and occasionally my Kronenbourg's. Then one day I was at a friends. He had nothing but Red Stripe so I thought hey I'm not a judgemental person, I'm not going to turn down a beer because it was manufactured in a predominantly Black country. I took hold of the can, it was cold like an Arctic breeze, the striking can design was like nothing I had seen before. The red label spread thinly across the white background stood out like blood on a white flag held by a French Soldier in WW2.

I opened the can and the room was hushed by the magnificent pssst that was let out by the escaping gases. I closed my eyes and brought the can to my lips. I tilted it to the correct angle to allow the nectar from within to flood my mouth. Suddenly my life was changed, all that I knew and loved had be cast into the fires of oblivion. If I had the mental fortitude to overcome the pleasure racing from my taste receptors I would have thought "Wow... that's pretty fucking good." The first swig completely quenched my thirst for beer but like all good things you can never have enough. The second gulp was better than the first, it's taste like no other beer. Imagine a beautiful liquid, a liquid so great that if it where poured into the first spring forming on our planet evolution would have taken a much better direction. I finished my first can and I knew from that point on nothing would be the same. The Eurozone didn't bother me, the lies and deception of politics was no longer an issue and even the endless monotony of life was decimated by this beer. I knew from this moment on no other beer would even come close to attaining the perfection, those beautiful Jamaican bastards had created a work of art.

So after that first glorious can I have continued to purchase this beer and each can still reaches that level of perfection. It's a beer for all occasions, those cold winter nights, those blazing summers days and those also rainy summers days.

tl;dr: Yes, it's a good beer.

Next up Morrison's Kentucky Bourbon

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Re: PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

Post by Komrade Kharloth on Wed Feb 15, 2012 12:16 am



Pic related, a Nova Scotia sacrament. Only company I've seen to come out with a beer type called TARTAN ALE.

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Re: PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

Post by PayJ on Wed Feb 15, 2012 12:18 am

If I can get hold of it I will try it.

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Re: PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

Post by Mr. Wiggles on Wed Feb 15, 2012 12:19 am



"Made With Fresh Egg Yolks"

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Re: PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

Post by PayJ on Wed Feb 15, 2012 12:20 am

I'm intrigued with that shit.

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Re: PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

Post by Komrade Kharloth on Wed Feb 15, 2012 12:21 am

PayJ wrote:If I can get hold of it I will try it.

Good luck finding it, I'm not sure it's even sold in the rest of Canada, let alone in the UK.

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Re: PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

Post by Mr. Wiggles on Wed Feb 15, 2012 12:22 am

It's like custard that gets you fucked.

Still, probably the easiest thing to throw up. Very smooth, doesn't burn so much.

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Re: PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

Post by Movie Martyr on Wed Feb 15, 2012 12:25 am

Komrade Kharloth wrote:
PayJ wrote:If I can get hold of it I will try it.

Good luck finding it, I'm not sure it's even sold in the rest of Canada, let alone in the UK.
We have Keith's here.

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Re: PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

Post by Komrade Kharloth on Wed Feb 15, 2012 12:25 am

POOR PEOPLE BOOZE IS BEST BOOZE


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Re: PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

Post by PayJ on Wed Feb 15, 2012 12:30 am

Komrade Kharloth wrote:
PayJ wrote:If I can get hold of it I will try it.

Good luck finding it, I'm not sure it's even sold in the rest of Canada, let alone in the UK.
Sent me some in the mail. I need to know what it tastes like now I know I can't get it for a few years.

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Re: PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

Post by Mr. Wiggles on Wed Feb 15, 2012 12:40 am

Hahahahah! Rum is for hearty sailors with chests of gold!

Vodka is for lowly serf peasants who cannot please their wives and relieve sexual frustration by beating their dog.



Have a bottle of that sitting with me... "Only slightly more expensive than white spirit!" ought to be the tagline.

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Re: PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

Post by PayJ on Wed Feb 15, 2012 12:42 am

Checkov's Vodka is the shit. I won't have you sitting there and insulting it.

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Re: PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

Post by Mr. Wiggles on Wed Feb 15, 2012 12:57 am

Well then you can just Check ov! ... Like checkov sounds like.....

I AM FUNNY GODDAMN IT!

Ehhh I'll drink it with something else but fuck drinking that shit straight... COUGHPAINTSTRIPPERCOUGH

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Re: PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

Post by PayJ on Wed Feb 15, 2012 12:59 am

All I'm hearing is "I'm a pussy who cares about the the taste not the percentage"

(ignoring the review I just wrote)

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Re: PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

Post by Mr. Wiggles on Wed Feb 15, 2012 1:08 am

What's that Joe "I need a tasty flavour to satisfy my lady parts" Pay?

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Re: PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

Post by PayJ on Wed Feb 15, 2012 1:10 am

I'm a connoisseur of off license and super market alcoholic drinks, leave my vagina out of it.

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Re: PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

Post by Furburt on Wed Feb 15, 2012 1:10 am

Vodka's good to take away a few extra rads.



My new favourite drink. Not the brand in particular.

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Re: PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

Post by Mr. Wiggles on Wed Feb 15, 2012 1:23 am

I expect they found that shit in Pripyat and thought "If we sell this to poor people, no one will notice when they all die of cancer."

I'm on to you Mr. Tesco!

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Re: PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

Post by Mr. Wiggles on Wed Feb 15, 2012 1:24 am

Furbos, is that similar to dry gin?

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Re: PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

Post by PayJ on Wed Feb 15, 2012 1:44 am

Dry gin is possibly the worst drink I have ever tasted but this is when I was 14 and I've never tried it since.

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Re: PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

Post by Furburt on Wed Feb 15, 2012 1:59 am

Mr. Wiggles wrote:Furbos, is that similar to dry gin?

It's Dry Gin with Sloe berries fermenting inside it. You leave it for a couple of months and then strain. Made some this year that I picked myself. Gorgeous.

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Re: PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

Post by Pararaptor on Wed Feb 15, 2012 3:28 am

Is it an ale or a stout or what? Details nigga, details.

I was looking at a recipe for pomegranate-infused vodka, you had to let it do it's own thing for 6 months before the flavour was ready.
But when it was ready, the intense pomegranate flavour hides the paint-thinner tail-lick of vodka. Colour me ever so intrigued.
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Re: PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

Post by Jinglebellpoke on Wed Feb 15, 2012 3:34 am

Pararaptor wrote: I was looking at a recipe for pomegranate-infused vodka, you had to let it do it's own thing for 6 months before the flavour was ready.

You can do the same thing using sugar and raspberries and it tastes pretty magical.

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Re: PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

Post by Pararaptor on Wed Feb 15, 2012 3:43 am

Yeah but... is it alcoholic?
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Re: PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

Post by PayJ on Wed Feb 15, 2012 10:58 am



First of all excuse the pathetic image it's the only one on the entire internet of this particular brand of whiskey.

So if you're sitting at your computer right now and you above the age of say 13 I'm going to bet you have at one time in your life tried Jack Daniels. I will also bet you are partially aware of the current economic and social climate. Detroit is a ghost town, Athens is riot central, London and New York are spiralling into an Orwellian Police State. What does this world commentary have to do with Morrison's Bourbon you ask? Well this bottle is about 7 pounds cheaper than a bottle of Jack Daniels so when you're looting glass bottles to turn into Molotov Cocktails you'll feel a lot less guilty robbing this drink from a soulless corporate building. These square bottles can be stacked far more efficiently in a back pack or in a car thus saving more space for ammunition and the skulls of your enemies.

So I remember the first time I tried this whiskey, me and a friend where dreading another 4 hour train journey home from college so we decided on getting hammered by playing rock, paper, scissors then shot on the way home. Seeing how cheap this drink was compared to Jack Daniels I decided to buy it. So we started drinking it and I can tell you it's really not bad at all. It tastes like Jack with a twinge of that standard whiskey taste, I could honestly say I prefer this whiskey to Jack Daniels which I believe is now close to 25 pound for a standard bottle.

It mixes pretty well also so that'll keep your vagina happy.

tl;dr The price is right.

Next Up: Carlsberg Special Brew

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Re: PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

Post by LordCuthberton on Wed Feb 15, 2012 12:19 pm

Buying a bottle of standard Gordons, Grants Whisky and some Baileys today. All of sale at work so yeah.

@Fabian: Got half a bottle of Gordons Sloe left. Soooo goood.

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Re: PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

Post by Jinglebellpoke on Wed Feb 15, 2012 12:28 pm

Pararaptor wrote:Yeah but... is it alcoholic?

It's just as alcoholic as when you left it sixth months before it just tastes less like paint stripper and more like rainbows.

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Re: PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

Post by MilkyFresh on Tue Feb 28, 2012 12:39 pm

Yes, more, excellent. Import a can of VB and review it, you won't regret it. Actually you will. It's the worst beer in the world. Import a can.

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Re: PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

Post by PayJ on Wed Feb 29, 2012 7:36 pm



Picture this scenario if you can.

You're sitting on a park bench in central London. The sun is beating down on you. You're mouth is like a desert. That cigarette you're smoking is not helping the situation. Suddenly someone drops a 20p and you now have five pounds into your hat. Your tear ducts only manage to produce a single tear which evaporates before it even reaches the dirt patches on your cheek. With this amount of free money you feel like Charlie Bucket and his golden ticket, yes you do.

You rise to your feet and trudge to the shop just outside the park. As you open the door the AC hits you like a Siberian snow storm. It takes a while for your eyes to adjust but eventually the florescent lighting is more than adequate. You stumble about the shop heading for the fridges. The plastic screen lets out a loud squeak and you can feel the cold air from the fridge through the holes in your clothes. You climb in and grab a four pack of Carlsberg Special Brew. You know only this dark fluid will quench your thirst on such a sweltering day. You gently put the cans on the counter ensuring not to disturb the contents inside. You pay the Indian behind the counter and head towards the door.

Your body melts as you open the door, it's as if you have found a doorway to hades itself. You take a look at the cans, they are already perspiring and heating up rapidly. You decide then and there to crack open your first and down it quickly. I mean hell, you don't want a warm strong lager do you? As you chug this can you think about how the other 3 cans are also warming up. But before you can even crack open the second one the man in the shop begins to yell at you for standing in the doorway and blocking other customers. You feel victimised, abused and hurt but there is no time to vocalise your case as the gentlemen is rapidly approaching you. You crack your second one open after you have left the vicinity of the shop.

The next thing you don't know, you stepped out too early and have been flattened by a bus.



Fortunately you don't have to be a tramp to enjoy Special Brew, it's for all ages.

tl;dr: It's a damn good beer and I always have one in my room just encase.

Next Up: The other 2 Carlsbergs


Last edited by PayJ on Wed Feb 29, 2012 8:21 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Re: PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

Post by LordCuthberton on Wed Feb 29, 2012 7:45 pm

PayJ wrote: You pay the Indian behind the counter and head towards the door.

So true.

And I expect that entirely flamboyant and fan-fictioney story is based on your weekend.

My local "proper" bar does Carlsberg pints for £1.75 ever Tuesday if you're into it. Personally I find it rancid. But I'm not faux northern am I Joey?

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Re: PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

Post by PayJ on Wed Feb 29, 2012 7:48 pm

I'm insulted. I drink my Special Brews with dignity. Pack 4 Red Stripes and 2 Special Brews into my beer bag and I'm ready to head to the pub.

And I shan't give my opinion on regular Carlsberg until the next review.

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Re: PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

Post by LordCuthberton on Wed Feb 29, 2012 7:52 pm

But do you not feel the social stigma?

And do you not taste the liquid? It's awful. Like drinking Grapefruit juice infused with cheap black coffee and vodka.


I'm biting my nails with anticipation for the Carlsberg opinion.

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Re: PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

Post by PayJ on Wed Feb 29, 2012 7:56 pm

Fuck Social Stigma. Why do I care what a bunch of randoms think.

Also I've grown accustomed to the taste. I love it now.

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Re: PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

Post by LordCuthberton on Wed Feb 29, 2012 8:00 pm

That tells me you had to force yourself to drink it....which explains why the social stigma does not affect you.....YOU ARE THE TARGET MARKET, THE CHEAP DRUNK

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Re: PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

Post by MilkyFresh on Wed Feb 29, 2012 8:01 pm

Don't stop doing this.

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Re: PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

Post by Hubilub on Wed Feb 29, 2012 8:09 pm

MilkyFresh wrote:Won't stop pooping tits.
I agree

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Re: PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

Post by PayJ on Wed Feb 29, 2012 8:15 pm

@Cuthbers: You take that back. I'm not a cheap drunk I have to spend loads to get drunk!

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Re: PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

Post by LordCuthberton on Wed Feb 29, 2012 8:42 pm

Loads to spend on cheap stuff so your drunkness ensues for longer?

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Re: PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

Post by PayJ on Wed Feb 29, 2012 8:49 pm

Nawh I just buy 6 pre-drinks for the long walk to my local then drink there.

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"Fix me a hot dog with jelly on
I've had cravings since withdrawing from
Low grade acid and cocaine bumps
I can't sleep at night or hold a decent job."
-Matt Berry
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Re: PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

Post by PayJ on Thu Mar 08, 2012 11:45 pm

Act I:
Prologue
Our story takes place in the distant future of Venice.
The old city has long since sunk in the mud.
But like a phoenix from the ashes a small community was born.
They live on a floating shanty town no larger than a football pitch.
Our tale follows one man Bert and his friend Carl.

Scene I Atop the residential hut.

Bert: You know Carl I honestly can't wait for my 18th birthday.

Carl: I know how you feel, it's a special time in our community. The coming of age, the big 1-8.

Bert: Are you sure you can still remember yours old man?

Carl: Haha, hell it was only a few years ago but I remember like it was yesterday. I mean being the only party you get it really is awesome.

Bert: Stop man for gods sake. People have been building it up for as long as I can remember but I'm not interested in the party.

Carl: Are you crazy? The party is the best thing, the drink, the drugs the presents. It's all great.

Bert: I'm not interested in those things...

Carl: Oh god here we go again, Tess, Tess, Tess, it's all you ever talk about man.

Bert: I just think she's so amazing.

Carl: How could you? You've never spoken a word to her in your life.

Bert: I don't need to, she lives in the room next to me. I hear everything she says, everything she does and it's all amazing.

Carl: Yeah, she does have a nice arse.

Bert: Is that all you think about Carl? There's more to a women you know.

Carl: Don't you take that tone with me, I think you forget just how old you are. Look I'm out of here I've got to go help my dad purify the water.

Bert: Ok, fine!

End Scene.

Scene II It's Bert's Party everyone's gathered at the central podeum.

Bert's Dad: So I'm just glad we can finally call my son a man.

Heckler: I wouldn't go that far!

(Laughter erupts from the crowd)

Bert's Dad: Ok, ok settle down everyone. Settle down so we can GET THIS MOTHER STARTED!

(The party starts the air soon becomes thick with smoke, there's drink and drugs everywhere.)

Meanwhile back at the residential hut

Bert: Tess? Tess? Where are you, I've looked everywhere.

(A few shrieks are let out from Tess's room)

(Bert opens the door to Tess's room to find Carl riding Tess)

Bert: CARL! CARL What the fuck are you doing?

(Bert lunges towards Carl pushing him off of Tess's fine behind)

Bert: On my birthday you bastard why?! Why would you do this?

Carl: Because I'm a fucking vile and this is all I do.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
"Fix me a hot dog with jelly on
I've had cravings since withdrawing from
Low grade acid and cocaine bumps
I can't sleep at night or hold a decent job."
-Matt Berry
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Re: PayJ reviews Alcoholic Beverages

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