Fniff's Halloween Surival Guide: Part one, ghosts and S.A.F.E

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Fniff's Halloween Surival Guide: Part one, ghosts and S.A.F.E

Post by Fniff on Mon Nov 01, 2010 12:54 am

Every year at Halloween, I will publish another part of the Halloween Survival Guide.

Sponsered by the international league of general supernatural hunters.

Everyyear, some bloody stupid group of idiots get scared to death by somesilly ghost. As a professional supernatural hunter, this is kindapathetic. Here are some tips! These will be in four categories, beforethe haunting, the start of the haunting, the middle of the haunting andthe end of the haunting.

BEFORE THE HAUNTING
Thestart of the haunting is the most important part. Along with all theother parts. Anyway, here are some tips to get you through it!

1:For god's sake, do not make the ghost mad. If anyone has died in thebuilding you live in, do not insult them. They will get mad. Also, doNOT make friends with the person who killed the ghost.
2: Don't ignore them either. They will get mad.
3: Do not disturb their resting place. I repeat, DO NOT DISTURB THEIR RESTING PLACE.
4:Also, if you are having a holiday and it turns out that the hotel youare visiting has a haunted room, do NOT look through the keyhole. Hell,even ask to be as far away from the room as is possible.
5: Rememberthis simple thing: S.A.F.E. (Stay Away From Evil ghosts). Ask around.Is there a dead serial killer in your neighborhood? Child molester?Girl who committed suicide? A person who wasn't given a proper grave?If one of these questions get a "Yes" answer, then move out. If all thequestions get a yes answer, just run. During the daylight. Not duringthe night. That would be stupid.
6: If you are in a remote location(An arctic base, most places in Alaska, Everywhere in Russia, etc.),ask around using S.A.F.E methods. If you get a single yes answer, getinto a helicopter/snow mobile/ very fast car and drive/fly the crap outof there.

START OF THE HAUNTING

If, for some reason, the haunting was always going on, then check these hints for the start of the haunting.

1:Get some friends. Don't have friends? Kidnap a hobo or two. Just havecompany, for the love of Christ! And stay together. Pee together, ifnecessary. Do not be alone. This is an important point. DO NOT BE ALONE.
2:Make sure none of these friends don't believe in ghosts. A skeptic isnot helpful in any shape or form when you are dealing with a full blownhaunting, and his amazement at seeing ghosts would probably leave himopen to being hurt or worse.
3: If you have no friends and areliving in a gated community with no hobos, then do this: Move. I cannotstress this point enough: DO NOT BE ALONE.
4: Make friends with a priest. He probably has holy water, crosses and maybe has skills as an exorcist if you are really lucky.
5: Make friends with a professor in black magic. Try not to introduce the priest to this guy.
6: More haunting signs: Sounds of children, creepy sounds, floating objects, screams, sound of moving.

MIDDLE OF HAUNTING

This is where crap really hits the fan.

1: If you see your friend smiling, alone, in a room with no eyes, run.Just run. It's not a good idea to even deal with this ghost.
2: Determine the type of ghost. The most dangerous types are so: GhostChild, Ghost Serial Killer and Ghost Fetus. If you have any questionsabout the last one, just listen to me. THEY ARE NOT CUTE NICE BABIES.THEY WANT YOU DEAD, ALONG WITH BASICALLY EVERYTHING YOU HOLD DEAR. Itis smarter then you, it knows the spirit world more then you do and itwill kill you.
3: If you start hearing voices, then you are not going mad. The ghost is just fucking with you.
4: The ghost typically gets annoyed when you try and exorcise him. Just repel it.
5: If you or your friends has a history in hallucinations, then stilltake them seriously. If they saw anything, then you know what the ghostis. If he was just having visions, well... We gotta take risks.
6: Do not have sex during this period. Along with every supernaturalcreature (For some reason), ghosts really hate sex. So, no sex. Tohelp, pretend that you are a puritan in the 17th century. It does help!

END OF THE HAUNTING

Try not to panic during this period. It does not help at all.

1: This is when the spirit gets very annoyed. DO NOT PANIC. It is justhaving a tantrum. If the ghost is a poltergeist, pretend it is ainvisible teenage crying over the fact that you didn't get them thelatest Justin Bieber/Linkin Park album. Not only does it help, but itis as funny as hell. Try not to laugh.
2: Play calming music. It calms down the spirit. If you don't have anycalming music on your ipod (Looking at you, Furburt. You wouldn't helpat all!). I suggest The Beatles, ambient music in general, classicalmusic (Unless the ghost is the ghost of Alex from A Clockwork Orange)and they might be giants. If you hate all of these, shut up and playthem. It works.
3: Do not go through any portals to Hell/Heaven/Spirit World/GreekUnderworld/Aztec Afterlife/The Blinding Light Dimension. If you do, youare clearly a twat and deserve it.
4: If none of the above works, perform an exorcism as fast as you can. The quickest exorcism is this:

You give the ghost the middle finger and go "Fuck off!"

Easy, fun and also educational! The best exorcism. NOTE: Does not work 99% of the time.
5: If your house is being absorbed into the spirit world, just run. Nolooking back. There is a simple motto I have when dealing withincidents like this: "Last one is going to eternally rot in the spiritworld!".
6: If you are trapped in the spirit world, here is what is going tohappen: You are going to wake up in a coffin. Do not try and escape,only ghosts can escape. Hope you like rotting while still alive! Isuggest getting your wood carving skills up.
7: Finally, make sure you actually kill the ghost. If necessary, do anexorcism twice. How to check: Insult the ghost. If it responds (And itwill if it is not dead) by throwing a TV at you, it's still alive. Ifit responds with a "Hey!" the ghost is now docile. If it doesn'trespond, insult again. If it doesn't respond, then it's all over.

Please, comment, and add additions. See you next year!

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Re: Fniff's Halloween Surival Guide: Part one, ghosts and S.A.F.E

Post by MilkyFresh on Thu Nov 11, 2010 3:16 pm

Thanks Fniff, I'll be sure to keep my TMBG albums on hand if I find myself in Russia for any reason.

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