Scriptwriting help

Page 1 of 2 1, 2  Next

View previous topic View next topic Go down

Scriptwriting help

Post by MilkyFresh on Thu Oct 28, 2010 2:54 pm

Hey there chums.
I'm currently writing a script to film with my friends. Nothing serious, just messing around, but I would like to do this well. I'd like to make a career out of it actually. Anyway, I'm making this thread to try and seek help with it, just general advice on the best way to go about things. I don't imagine this'll be the last time I ask either, I'm kinda retarded.
Current problem: I've written about 1/3 of the script to a level I'm reasonably happy with, but I can't settle on the dialogue in the opening scene. I have to establish one character as a nice, well liked kinda guy, and the other as a cunt. When I say cunt, kinda think Dylan Moran's character in Shaun of the Dead. It's a horror movie, you know, watch as people get picked off one by one, but I'm focusing mainly on the interactions between the main characters. Dun wanna make a slasher movie. Christ I'm overthinking this, it ain't gunna be good either way. Still, any help would certainly be appreciated.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
WHY MONKEY, WHY?
No one loves a prick,
No one loves a coffee sniffing motherfucker.
avatar
MilkyFresh
Wizard of Piss

Posts : 9787
Leprechaun Gold : 38705
Pineapple Power : 22738
Join date : 2010-10-26
Age : 23
Alignment : Arseheart
Location : Australia

Back to top Go down

Re: Scriptwriting help

Post by GrinningManiac on Thu Oct 28, 2010 4:55 pm

Have them argue over something completley unrelated to the events that are starting to unfold in the plot (i.e. perhapes an unliked politician is on the telly)

The nice guy will have reasonable views and will try to accomodate c*ntman's stupid shouting and chest-beating opinions

mabye?

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
मैं हिन्दी जानना चाहता हूँ…અને ગુજરાતી…ਅਤੇ ਪੰਜਾਬੀ…এবং হয়ত বাংলা.
Aprenderé a bailar salsa y nada detendrá me. 对不起我的中文不好,对不起我不知道你说什么。
Не слышны в саду даже шорохи. Все здесь замерло до утра, Если б знали вы, как мне дороги, Подмосковные вечера.
The problem with having an open mind, you see, is that people insist on coming along and putting things in it
- Sir Terry Pratchett
I have a blog nao
avatar
GrinningManiac
His Grace, His Excellency, The Duke of Ankh; Commander Sir Alasdair Lawrence

Posts : 5597
Leprechaun Gold : 15124
Pineapple Power : 3009
Join date : 2010-10-10
Age : 24
Alignment : Morally Unperturbed Mongoose-Man
Location : England

Back to top Go down

Re: Scriptwriting help

Post by MilkyFresh on Thu Oct 28, 2010 10:45 pm

GrinningManiac wrote:Have them argue over something completley unrelated to the events that are starting to unfold in the plot (i.e. perhapes an unliked politician is on the telly)

The nice guy will have reasonable views and will try to accomodate c*ntman's stupid shouting and chest-beating opinions

mabye?
Yeah, i figured it would have to be something unrelated to the plot, just can't really find something that really works. A politician wouldn't really work, just because nice-guy-character probably wouldn't be interested in politics.

Fuck I am overthinking this a great deal.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
WHY MONKEY, WHY?
No one loves a prick,
No one loves a coffee sniffing motherfucker.
avatar
MilkyFresh
Wizard of Piss

Posts : 9787
Leprechaun Gold : 38705
Pineapple Power : 22738
Join date : 2010-10-26
Age : 23
Alignment : Arseheart
Location : Australia

Back to top Go down

Re: Scriptwriting help

Post by GrinningManiac on Fri Oct 29, 2010 9:58 am

Well, do they know each other very well or is the film about how they come to know each other?

Cus if they know each other you can have them arguing over some trivial past event (perhapes c*nt copied goodguy's homework in highschool, and goodguy is using this as evidence of c*nt living off his back?)

If not, have them argue over a common interest. Sport? Celebrities?

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
मैं हिन्दी जानना चाहता हूँ…અને ગુજરાતી…ਅਤੇ ਪੰਜਾਬੀ…এবং হয়ত বাংলা.
Aprenderé a bailar salsa y nada detendrá me. 对不起我的中文不好,对不起我不知道你说什么。
Не слышны в саду даже шорохи. Все здесь замерло до утра, Если б знали вы, как мне дороги, Подмосковные вечера.
The problem with having an open mind, you see, is that people insist on coming along and putting things in it
- Sir Terry Pratchett
I have a blog nao
avatar
GrinningManiac
His Grace, His Excellency, The Duke of Ankh; Commander Sir Alasdair Lawrence

Posts : 5597
Leprechaun Gold : 15124
Pineapple Power : 3009
Join date : 2010-10-10
Age : 24
Alignment : Morally Unperturbed Mongoose-Man
Location : England

Back to top Go down

Re: Scriptwriting help

Post by MilkyFresh on Fri Oct 29, 2010 10:05 am

GrinningManiac wrote:Well, do they know each other very well or is the film about how they come to know each other?

Cus if they know each other you can have them arguing over some trivial past event (perhapes c*nt copied goodguy's homework in highschool, and goodguy is using this as evidence of c*nt living off his back?)

If not, have them argue over a common interest. Sport? Celebrities?
Yeah, they know each other, implied they didn't particularly like each other prior to the events of the film too. I think I have an idea, I'll be back in this thread shortly.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
WHY MONKEY, WHY?
No one loves a prick,
No one loves a coffee sniffing motherfucker.
avatar
MilkyFresh
Wizard of Piss

Posts : 9787
Leprechaun Gold : 38705
Pineapple Power : 22738
Join date : 2010-10-26
Age : 23
Alignment : Arseheart
Location : Australia

Back to top Go down

Re: Scriptwriting help

Post by GrinningManiac on Thu Nov 11, 2010 1:22 pm

Be back in this thread shortly, eh?

LIAR

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
मैं हिन्दी जानना चाहता हूँ…અને ગુજરાતી…ਅਤੇ ਪੰਜਾਬੀ…এবং হয়ত বাংলা.
Aprenderé a bailar salsa y nada detendrá me. 对不起我的中文不好,对不起我不知道你说什么。
Не слышны в саду даже шорохи. Все здесь замерло до утра, Если б знали вы, как мне дороги, Подмосковные вечера.
The problem with having an open mind, you see, is that people insist on coming along and putting things in it
- Sir Terry Pratchett
I have a blog nao
avatar
GrinningManiac
His Grace, His Excellency, The Duke of Ankh; Commander Sir Alasdair Lawrence

Posts : 5597
Leprechaun Gold : 15124
Pineapple Power : 3009
Join date : 2010-10-10
Age : 24
Alignment : Morally Unperturbed Mongoose-Man
Location : England

Back to top Go down

Re: Scriptwriting help

Post by MilkyFresh on Thu Nov 11, 2010 1:39 pm

GrinningManiac wrote:Be back in this thread shortly, eh?

LIAR
I'm pure bastard. But travelling for a couple of months soon, lots of plane trips. Lots of getting stuck with the script, then getting on this thread in the airport.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
WHY MONKEY, WHY?
No one loves a prick,
No one loves a coffee sniffing motherfucker.
avatar
MilkyFresh
Wizard of Piss

Posts : 9787
Leprechaun Gold : 38705
Pineapple Power : 22738
Join date : 2010-10-26
Age : 23
Alignment : Arseheart
Location : Australia

Back to top Go down

Re: Scriptwriting help

Post by GrinningManiac on Sun Dec 19, 2010 11:17 pm

YOU F*CKING LIED TO ME AGAIN

GIVE ME YOUR SCRIPT, AND BE SURE TO NOT COPYRIGHT IT

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
मैं हिन्दी जानना चाहता हूँ…અને ગુજરાતી…ਅਤੇ ਪੰਜਾਬੀ…এবং হয়ত বাংলা.
Aprenderé a bailar salsa y nada detendrá me. 对不起我的中文不好,对不起我不知道你说什么。
Не слышны в саду даже шорохи. Все здесь замерло до утра, Если б знали вы, как мне дороги, Подмосковные вечера.
The problem with having an open mind, you see, is that people insist on coming along and putting things in it
- Sir Terry Pratchett
I have a blog nao
avatar
GrinningManiac
His Grace, His Excellency, The Duke of Ankh; Commander Sir Alasdair Lawrence

Posts : 5597
Leprechaun Gold : 15124
Pineapple Power : 3009
Join date : 2010-10-10
Age : 24
Alignment : Morally Unperturbed Mongoose-Man
Location : England

Back to top Go down

Re: Scriptwriting help

Post by MilkyFresh on Mon Dec 20, 2010 12:45 am

GrinningManiac wrote:YOU F*CKING LIED TO ME AGAIN

GIVE ME YOUR SCRIPT, AND BE SURE TO NOT COPYRIGHT IT
I'm an evil genius.

It's not done, but I've not had as many problems with it as I expected. About 2/3s is written, but that's about 9/10s of the dialogue. Sorry babe. I will post it though, and the movie if it ever gets made. Promise.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
WHY MONKEY, WHY?
No one loves a prick,
No one loves a coffee sniffing motherfucker.
avatar
MilkyFresh
Wizard of Piss

Posts : 9787
Leprechaun Gold : 38705
Pineapple Power : 22738
Join date : 2010-10-26
Age : 23
Alignment : Arseheart
Location : Australia

Back to top Go down

Re: Scriptwriting help

Post by GrinningManiac on Mon Dec 20, 2010 3:25 pm

Hooray!

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
मैं हिन्दी जानना चाहता हूँ…અને ગુજરાતી…ਅਤੇ ਪੰਜਾਬੀ…এবং হয়ত বাংলা.
Aprenderé a bailar salsa y nada detendrá me. 对不起我的中文不好,对不起我不知道你说什么。
Не слышны в саду даже шорохи. Все здесь замерло до утра, Если б знали вы, как мне дороги, Подмосковные вечера.
The problem with having an open mind, you see, is that people insist on coming along and putting things in it
- Sir Terry Pratchett
I have a blog nao
avatar
GrinningManiac
His Grace, His Excellency, The Duke of Ankh; Commander Sir Alasdair Lawrence

Posts : 5597
Leprechaun Gold : 15124
Pineapple Power : 3009
Join date : 2010-10-10
Age : 24
Alignment : Morally Unperturbed Mongoose-Man
Location : England

Back to top Go down

Re: Scriptwriting help

Post by GrinningManiac on Fri Jan 07, 2011 12:12 am

...DAMNIT, LIED TO AGAIN

POST THE TITLE AT LEAST

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
मैं हिन्दी जानना चाहता हूँ…અને ગુજરાતી…ਅਤੇ ਪੰਜਾਬੀ…এবং হয়ত বাংলা.
Aprenderé a bailar salsa y nada detendrá me. 对不起我的中文不好,对不起我不知道你说什么。
Не слышны в саду даже шорохи. Все здесь замерло до утра, Если б знали вы, как мне дороги, Подмосковные вечера.
The problem with having an open mind, you see, is that people insist on coming along and putting things in it
- Sir Terry Pratchett
I have a blog nao
avatar
GrinningManiac
His Grace, His Excellency, The Duke of Ankh; Commander Sir Alasdair Lawrence

Posts : 5597
Leprechaun Gold : 15124
Pineapple Power : 3009
Join date : 2010-10-10
Age : 24
Alignment : Morally Unperturbed Mongoose-Man
Location : England

Back to top Go down

Re: Scriptwriting help

Post by MilkyFresh on Fri Jan 07, 2011 11:24 am

GrinningManiac wrote:...DAMNIT, LIED TO AGAIN

POST THE TITLE AT LEAST
Title's not done, but the script more or less is. Here's what's left for it: write the first scene again (hardest bit, I can't get that right), reread and revise a few more times, come up with a title. Then it goes on here. Some skroppy B-Movie title would be good if you'd like to help... Plot revolves around a group of friends getting picked off by a madman in rural Australia, so there's a lot of bad puns that could come from that.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
WHY MONKEY, WHY?
No one loves a prick,
No one loves a coffee sniffing motherfucker.
avatar
MilkyFresh
Wizard of Piss

Posts : 9787
Leprechaun Gold : 38705
Pineapple Power : 22738
Join date : 2010-10-26
Age : 23
Alignment : Arseheart
Location : Australia

Back to top Go down

Re: Scriptwriting help

Post by GrinningManiac on Sat Jan 08, 2011 1:07 am

Don't know enough about Australia to come up with a clever title

Any 'Roos on here lend a hand?

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
मैं हिन्दी जानना चाहता हूँ…અને ગુજરાતી…ਅਤੇ ਪੰਜਾਬੀ…এবং হয়ত বাংলা.
Aprenderé a bailar salsa y nada detendrá me. 对不起我的中文不好,对不起我不知道你说什么。
Не слышны в саду даже шорохи. Все здесь замерло до утра, Если б знали вы, как мне дороги, Подмосковные вечера.
The problem with having an open mind, you see, is that people insist on coming along and putting things in it
- Sir Terry Pratchett
I have a blog nao
avatar
GrinningManiac
His Grace, His Excellency, The Duke of Ankh; Commander Sir Alasdair Lawrence

Posts : 5597
Leprechaun Gold : 15124
Pineapple Power : 3009
Join date : 2010-10-10
Age : 24
Alignment : Morally Unperturbed Mongoose-Man
Location : England

Back to top Go down

Re: Scriptwriting help

Post by Hubilub on Sun Jan 09, 2011 9:52 am

Here's the first scene for you:

"Hey Hub, Fiona's off to Mullingar to buy some food. Anything you want?"

"Gimme donuts and soda"

"But that's all you've had for 9 days..."

"I SAID I WANTED DONUTS YOU IRISH CUNT!"

It's realistic, AND inspiring.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I felt my sphincter clench and my scrotum contract in shock at his response.
avatar
Hubilub
Conquistador of the Useless

Posts : 7827
Leprechaun Gold : 15025
Pineapple Power : 4328
Join date : 2010-10-09
Age : 24
Alignment : Probiotics are Evil
Location : Linkoping, Sweden

Back to top Go down

Re: Scriptwriting help

Post by Hubilub on Sun Jan 09, 2011 9:52 am

Oh, and the title must be "When Hubilub went to Ireland"

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I felt my sphincter clench and my scrotum contract in shock at his response.
avatar
Hubilub
Conquistador of the Useless

Posts : 7827
Leprechaun Gold : 15025
Pineapple Power : 4328
Join date : 2010-10-09
Age : 24
Alignment : Probiotics are Evil
Location : Linkoping, Sweden

Back to top Go down

Re: Scriptwriting help

Post by MilkyFresh on Sun Jan 09, 2011 10:04 am

It may require a minor rewrite, but I'm on it.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
WHY MONKEY, WHY?
No one loves a prick,
No one loves a coffee sniffing motherfucker.
avatar
MilkyFresh
Wizard of Piss

Posts : 9787
Leprechaun Gold : 38705
Pineapple Power : 22738
Join date : 2010-10-26
Age : 23
Alignment : Arseheart
Location : Australia

Back to top Go down

Re: Scriptwriting help

Post by Hubilub on Sun Jan 09, 2011 10:05 am

Also, it's totally not based on real events.

Unless you want it to be. Then you'll have to pay me

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I felt my sphincter clench and my scrotum contract in shock at his response.
avatar
Hubilub
Conquistador of the Useless

Posts : 7827
Leprechaun Gold : 15025
Pineapple Power : 4328
Join date : 2010-10-09
Age : 24
Alignment : Probiotics are Evil
Location : Linkoping, Sweden

Back to top Go down

Re: Scriptwriting help

Post by GrinningManiac on Mon Jan 10, 2011 5:03 pm

Can "When Hubilub went to Ireland" start with an action scene?

I picture him landing on the fair shores of the Green Isle in a scene that is cut-for-cut identical to the beach battle of Saving Private Ryan

Except the "Americans" is just Hubilub...and he swam

And the "Germans" can be the IRA (the real one from 1922)

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
मैं हिन्दी जानना चाहता हूँ…અને ગુજરાતી…ਅਤੇ ਪੰਜਾਬੀ…এবং হয়ত বাংলা.
Aprenderé a bailar salsa y nada detendrá me. 对不起我的中文不好,对不起我不知道你说什么。
Не слышны в саду даже шорохи. Все здесь замерло до утра, Если б знали вы, как мне дороги, Подмосковные вечера.
The problem with having an open mind, you see, is that people insist on coming along and putting things in it
- Sir Terry Pratchett
I have a blog nao
avatar
GrinningManiac
His Grace, His Excellency, The Duke of Ankh; Commander Sir Alasdair Lawrence

Posts : 5597
Leprechaun Gold : 15124
Pineapple Power : 3009
Join date : 2010-10-10
Age : 24
Alignment : Morally Unperturbed Mongoose-Man
Location : England

Back to top Go down

Re: Scriptwriting help

Post by Furburt on Mon Jan 10, 2011 5:14 pm

It's worth noting the opening of Saving Private Ryan was filmed in Ireland.

Ho ho.

OP: Breasts.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
This device will make me famous
This device will make me fly
This device will make me holy
This device defies all laws

Laws that are stupid, and make no sense.

Big Black, Newman Generator

The New Adventures of Momo Murphy
avatar
Furburt
Arrested For Copying Dogs

Posts : 16683
Leprechaun Gold : 71901
Pineapple Power : 42707
Join date : 2010-10-08
Age : 24
Alignment : The Clan MacGinty, the Clan Nangle, The Clan O'Neill and the Clan Moriarty
Location : Éire.

http://steamcommunity.com/id/Furburt

Back to top Go down

Re: Scriptwriting help

Post by Guest on Mon Jan 10, 2011 5:16 pm

GrinningManiac wrote:

And the "Germans" can be the IRA (the real one from 1922)
You mean the ones that faught for our independance?

Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

Re: Scriptwriting help

Post by GrinningManiac on Tue Jan 11, 2011 12:07 am

Demented Teddy wrote:
GrinningManiac wrote:

And the "Germans" can be the IRA (the real one from 1922)
You mean the ones that faught for our independance?

Indeed I do.

MICHAEL COLLINS, ATAAAACK

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
मैं हिन्दी जानना चाहता हूँ…અને ગુજરાતી…ਅਤੇ ਪੰਜਾਬੀ…এবং হয়ত বাংলা.
Aprenderé a bailar salsa y nada detendrá me. 对不起我的中文不好,对不起我不知道你说什么。
Не слышны в саду даже шорохи. Все здесь замерло до утра, Если б знали вы, как мне дороги, Подмосковные вечера.
The problem with having an open mind, you see, is that people insist on coming along and putting things in it
- Sir Terry Pratchett
I have a blog nao
avatar
GrinningManiac
His Grace, His Excellency, The Duke of Ankh; Commander Sir Alasdair Lawrence

Posts : 5597
Leprechaun Gold : 15124
Pineapple Power : 3009
Join date : 2010-10-10
Age : 24
Alignment : Morally Unperturbed Mongoose-Man
Location : England

Back to top Go down

Re: Scriptwriting help

Post by GrinningManiac on Tue Jan 11, 2011 12:07 am

Furburt wrote:It's worth noting the opening of Saving Private Ryan was filmed in Ireland.

Ho ho.

OP: Breasts.

Of course it was - Ireland's main export is the senseless waste of young lives

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
मैं हिन्दी जानना चाहता हूँ…અને ગુજરાતી…ਅਤੇ ਪੰਜਾਬੀ…এবং হয়ত বাংলা.
Aprenderé a bailar salsa y nada detendrá me. 对不起我的中文不好,对不起我不知道你说什么。
Не слышны в саду даже шорохи. Все здесь замерло до утра, Если б знали вы, как мне дороги, Подмосковные вечера.
The problem with having an open mind, you see, is that people insist on coming along and putting things in it
- Sir Terry Pratchett
I have a blog nao
avatar
GrinningManiac
His Grace, His Excellency, The Duke of Ankh; Commander Sir Alasdair Lawrence

Posts : 5597
Leprechaun Gold : 15124
Pineapple Power : 3009
Join date : 2010-10-10
Age : 24
Alignment : Morally Unperturbed Mongoose-Man
Location : England

Back to top Go down

Re: Scriptwriting help

Post by Furburt on Thu Jan 13, 2011 4:32 pm

GrinningManiac wrote:
Of course it was - Ireland's main export is the senseless waste of young lives

Or alcohol, as it's more commonly known.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
This device will make me famous
This device will make me fly
This device will make me holy
This device defies all laws

Laws that are stupid, and make no sense.

Big Black, Newman Generator

The New Adventures of Momo Murphy
avatar
Furburt
Arrested For Copying Dogs

Posts : 16683
Leprechaun Gold : 71901
Pineapple Power : 42707
Join date : 2010-10-08
Age : 24
Alignment : The Clan MacGinty, the Clan Nangle, The Clan O'Neill and the Clan Moriarty
Location : Éire.

http://steamcommunity.com/id/Furburt

Back to top Go down

Re: Scriptwriting help

Post by GrinningManiac on Thu Jan 13, 2011 10:12 pm

Furburt wrote:
GrinningManiac wrote:
Of course it was - Ireland's main export is the senseless waste of young lives

Or alcohol, as it's more commonly known.

Yes...alcohol. That's what I meant...

OMG YOU BOMBED THAT PUB DIDN'T YOU!?

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
मैं हिन्दी जानना चाहता हूँ…અને ગુજરાતી…ਅਤੇ ਪੰਜਾਬੀ…এবং হয়ত বাংলা.
Aprenderé a bailar salsa y nada detendrá me. 对不起我的中文不好,对不起我不知道你说什么。
Не слышны в саду даже шорохи. Все здесь замерло до утра, Если б знали вы, как мне дороги, Подмосковные вечера.
The problem with having an open mind, you see, is that people insist on coming along and putting things in it
- Sir Terry Pratchett
I have a blog nao
avatar
GrinningManiac
His Grace, His Excellency, The Duke of Ankh; Commander Sir Alasdair Lawrence

Posts : 5597
Leprechaun Gold : 15124
Pineapple Power : 3009
Join date : 2010-10-10
Age : 24
Alignment : Morally Unperturbed Mongoose-Man
Location : England

Back to top Go down

Re: Scriptwriting help

Post by Furburt on Fri Jan 14, 2011 6:28 pm

GrinningManiac wrote:

OMG YOU BOMBED THAT PUB DIDN'T YOU!?

Well, it is reasonably common knowledge that I was responsible for the Birmingham pub bombings, so yes.

Silly Birmingham 6.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
This device will make me famous
This device will make me fly
This device will make me holy
This device defies all laws

Laws that are stupid, and make no sense.

Big Black, Newman Generator

The New Adventures of Momo Murphy
avatar
Furburt
Arrested For Copying Dogs

Posts : 16683
Leprechaun Gold : 71901
Pineapple Power : 42707
Join date : 2010-10-08
Age : 24
Alignment : The Clan MacGinty, the Clan Nangle, The Clan O'Neill and the Clan Moriarty
Location : Éire.

http://steamcommunity.com/id/Furburt

Back to top Go down

Re: Scriptwriting help

Post by GrinningManiac on Sat Jan 15, 2011 9:57 am

Furburt wrote:
GrinningManiac wrote:

OMG YOU BOMBED THAT PUB DIDN'T YOU!?

Well, it is reasonably common knowledge that I was responsible for the Birmingham pub bombings, so yes.

Silly Birmingham 6.

I bet you bombed THATCHER as well, eh?

...

...kudos for that, by the way.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
मैं हिन्दी जानना चाहता हूँ…અને ગુજરાતી…ਅਤੇ ਪੰਜਾਬੀ…এবং হয়ত বাংলা.
Aprenderé a bailar salsa y nada detendrá me. 对不起我的中文不好,对不起我不知道你说什么。
Не слышны в саду даже шорохи. Все здесь замерло до утра, Если б знали вы, как мне дороги, Подмосковные вечера.
The problem with having an open mind, you see, is that people insist on coming along and putting things in it
- Sir Terry Pratchett
I have a blog nao
avatar
GrinningManiac
His Grace, His Excellency, The Duke of Ankh; Commander Sir Alasdair Lawrence

Posts : 5597
Leprechaun Gold : 15124
Pineapple Power : 3009
Join date : 2010-10-10
Age : 24
Alignment : Morally Unperturbed Mongoose-Man
Location : England

Back to top Go down

Re: Scriptwriting help

Post by MilkyFresh on Thu May 12, 2011 3:20 pm

Mr. Maniac, I decided to balls up and just post it. It's not finished. Some of the dialogue needs work and there needs to be more of it. The ending isn't the ending I'm planning to put in it, I just haven't written it yet. Well maybe I'll keep the ending, but the four-or-so lines of dialogue before it need to be a full scene. It's not great.
One thing in my defense: It will be longer than it sounds, especially the second half of the movie. Not much dialogue there, so not much script, but I want it to be all atmospheric and shit. Anyway here it is, if anybody's interested. Honest criticism pl0x.
Spoiler:
Shot of Daria and Andy showing up, as described before. As they get out of the car everybody greets each other. Fucking make it up, walk inside. Fade to later, everybody sitting around looking bored. Hold camera over each character for a couple of seconds while the audio from the first part of this conversation goes on.
LINDA: Nightmare on Elm Street?
ANDY: Never seen it.
Linda: The Thing?
Andy: No.
Linda: Evil Dead?
Andy: Nope.
Linda: Friday the 13th?
Andy: No dude, I haven't seen it.
Linda: Dawn of the Dead?
Andy: No, I just don't like horror movies that much. It's not my thing you know?
DYLAN: (interrupting) You've never seen Dawn of the fucking Dead? Are you kidding me?
Andy: No man. I just don't really see the appeal.
Linda: They're classic movies man.
Dylan: Classic.
Andy: Why? It's the same shit every time. Bunch of teenagers go into some haunted house, all the ones that fucked each other or did drugs get killed, then the hot chick escapes. It's boring.
Dylan: Dawn of the Dead is a fucking zombie movie dickhead. Linda, tell him he's a dickhead?
Linda: Whatever. He doesn't like horror movies he doesn't like horror movies.
Dylan: What movies DO you like Andy? Do you even watch movies?
Andy: Yeah, sometimes. Last movie I saw was... Juno I think.
Dylan: (short cunt-laugh)
Andy: What? What's wrong with Juno?
Dylan: Nothing man. Nothing at all.
Andy: Hey, fuck you dude, don't be a prick.
Dylan: (laughs) Whatever.
DERRICK: Do we want anything from the car?
NOAH: Yeah, I left my jumper in there, could you bring it in? I mean, if you're going out already...
Derrick: Yeah, sure.
Derrick walks outside, camera follows him. As he opens up the boot of his car he can half see somebody standing in the bush down towards the creek. Stops what he is doing and tries to get a better look, person disappears into bushes. Keeps looking for a few seconds, confused. Dismisses it and grabs whatever it was from the boot of the car, closes it, opens the back door and gets Noah's jumper. Cut back inside as he starts walking back. Noah and Daria have gone outside.
Dylan: And you didn't even think, for a second, that MAYBE you could have checked your phone?
Andy: Dude, I'm sorry, I didn't think of it.
Dylan: Yeah, whatever.
Andy: If you really need it that fucking bad you can have some of mine. I thought you said you weren't addicted anyway?
Dylan (ignores second part) Rollies?
Andy: Yeah?
Dylan: Fuck off.
Andy shakes his head, kind of amused, Derrick comes back in.
Linda: Hey Derrick, you want to go outside?
Derrick: Yeah, okay.
Dylan: Where the fuck are you going?
Linda: I'M going to go have a cigarette with Noah and Daria. Guess you may as well stay here, huh?
Dylan gives her the finger and picks up a book. Something that makes him look like an arsehole, I don't think I've made that clear enough yet. Andy watches Linda and Derrick as they walk out. Cut to outside as they open the door.
Noah & DARIA: Hey. (or something to that effect)
Derrick: Hey, what's up?
Daria: Not a lot. (pause) We got sick of Dylan and Andy arguing.
Noah: Dylan arguing.
Daria: Yeah, Dylan arguing.
Linda: It is wearing a little thin. (Derrick and Linda sit down, Linda lights a cigarette)
Derrick: (to Daria) Roll a couple of joints? Get some weed into him, maybe he'll relax a little.
Daria: (pause) We couldn't get any.
Derrick: Fuck.
Linda: Fuck.
Daria: Sorry, Andy's dealer is out of town and Scott didn't have anything.
Linda: Never mind, it doesn't matter.
Daria: Do we have anything to drink?
Linda: Nah, not unless Dylan brought anything.
(pause)
Derrick: I thought I saw some guy standing in the bushes just before, when I went out to the car.
Noah: A person?
Derrick: I thought so, yeah. Pretty sure it was just a wallaby or something, but it freaked me out for a second.
Noah: Could it have been a hiker coming out from towards the creek?
Derrick: Doubt it. Nobody hikes down in that direction anyway.
Noah: Maybe they got lost.
Derrick: They would have come out and said something.
Noah: Yeah. I guess so.
Daria: Relax, it would have been a wallaby. Andy and I saw some on the way here as well.
Cut back inside with Andy and Dylan. Dylan is still reading, Andy sitting there awkwardly.
Andy: Do you want to go outside and have a smoke?
Dylan: No, not rollies.
Andy: (long pause) Did you manage to get any weed?
Dylan (shuts book) What?
Andy: Did you get any weed?
Dylan: No, you and Daria were meant to get it.
Andy: We couldn't get anything.
Dylan: Fucking hell! I could have got some if you had fucking told me before I got here!
Andy: Sorry dude, I thought Scott was good for it.
Dylan: Scott is a fucking dropkick. What happened to your dealer?
Andy: He's in Melbourne, visiting family I think.
Dylan: What a cunt.
Andy: He's an alright guy. Have you ever met him?
Dylan: Not really, but he looks like a cunt. He's always got that fucking... (vague gesture) Shit in his hair.
Andy: Fuck it, it doesn't matter.
Dylan: Would have been nice...
Andy looks at Dylan, warning look type thing.
Dylan: What?
Andy: Forget about it man.
Dylan: What the fuck do you mean "forget about it"? I barely fucking said anything!
Andy: (under his breath: Fuck) Sorry, you're right, whatever.
Dylan: Get fucked.
Andy: Jesus christ... I'm going for a walk.
Cut back to people in the chairs outside as they see Andy walk away from the building, down towards the river, looks pissed off.
Linda: Where's Andy going?
Dylan walks outside, everybody looks around.
Dylan: What? I don't know, he got real pissed about something. Said he was going for a walk.
Linda: For fuck's sake!
Dylan: (condescending, speaking slowly) I don't know why he got so angry. (normal voice) Guess he's just a bit sensitive.
Daria: What the hell is wrong with you?
Linda: You're a massive cunt.
Dylan: Whatever.
Derrick: What were you arguing about anyway? You were arguing, right?
Dylan: Yeah. He didn't bring the weed, said I was meant to. Was going fucking off at me about it! Then he just walked out.
Noah and Daria look at each other, skeptical.
Derrick: Just say sorry when he gets back, okay?
Dylan: Yeah, sure. Whatever.
Pause.
Daria: I'm going to go get him.
Noah: Don't worry about it, he'll come back when he wants to.
Daria: Nah, I want to go find him.
Noah: (starts to get up) I'll come with you.
Daria: Don't worry about it, I'll only be a few minutes.
Noah (sits back down, shrugs) Okay.
Camera in front of Daria as she walks away, looking back at people sitting down. All silent as they watch her go. Camera follows her down the track (some of it) as she shouts out for Andy. Improv dialogue you lazy cunt, it's easy. Daria comes out of the bushes into the swimming place, slightly exasperated, shouts out for Andy once more. Camera close behind her, as she starts to turn around so does it, just in time to see Sam shoot her, she isn't in frame. Cut to long shot as she falls back into the water, Sam lowers his shotgun. Cut back to Derrick, Noah, Linda and Dylan. All stand up.
Derrick: What the fuck was that?
Noah: Was that a gun?
Linda: I think so...
Noah: Jesus christ, that sounded close.
Derrick: Yeah. It did.
Linda: It couldn't have been that close, could it?
Derrick: ...No. It was probably just my neighbour.
Noah: How far away is he?
Derrick (pauses) About a kilometre.
Noah: Holy shit. Somebody is down near the river.
Derrick: No they aren't.
Linda: It sounded really close Derrick.
Derrick: Just- Calm down. My neighbour must be spotlighting or something. It's nothing to worry about (sits down). He does it all the time.
Noah: Andy and Daria are still down there.
Long silence.
Dylan: We should leave.
Linda: What?!
Dylan: Well somebody is obviously down there! I mean, fuck! You heard that as well as me! There's no way that was your neighbour Derrick! Not unless he comes on to your fucking property to shoot rabbits.
Linda: And if you're right?
Dylan: Then we have to leave.
Derrick: We aren't leaving.
Noah: You've got guns haven't you Derrick?
Derrick: Yeah.
Noah: Maybe you should go get one.
Derrick: (pause) That's probably a good idea. Hang on a minute. (walks towards house)
Long shot as Derrick walks away.
Dylan: Fuck this. I'm not sitting around waiting to be killed.
Linda: What are you going to do then? You can't fucking drive!
Dylan: You can.
Linda: I'm not leaving.
Dylan looks angrily at Noah and Linda.
Dylan: I want a gun then.
Noah: (laughs)
Dylan: What? Fuck you!
Linda: Dylan, you can't shoot either.
Dylan: I don't care! I want a fucking gun!
Noah: You're an idiot.
Dylan gives up and sits down on the ground, cut to inside the house. Derrick takes a gun out of his safe and loads it, pockets more ammunition. Closes safe and walks outside, back towards Dylan, Linda and Noah. Picks up two torches on the way.
Dylan: What are the torches for?
Derrick: We're going down there.
Derrick points down towards the creek, camera cut to that direction for a few seconds. All dark and spooky lookin.
Linda: Yeah. They've been too long.
Dylan: How can you possibly think it's a good idea to go down there?
Noah: (not looking directly at Dylan) You'd rather stay here then.
Dylan: Yes. Yes, of course I would. Fuck.
Linda: We have to go look Dylan.
Noah: It's probably nothing.
All characters look at Dylan, waiting for response.
Dylan: Okay.
Derrick gives one of the torches to Linda, holds the other next to his gun like the sweet cunt that he is. Turns around and starts walking towards the creek, closely followed by Linda. Noah follows them and Dylan trails behind. Nobody says anything for a while. Camera follows Derrick as he looks around with his gun raised. After a minute or so they find Andy dead on the ground, bleeding in some nasty way.
Noah: Oh my god.
All four of their faces in shot, look shocked and scared. Linda starts to say something and stops, they stare at the body.
Dylan: (scared shitless) Please can we go?
Derrick: (trying to stay composed) Yeah.
They all turn and start half-running back up to the house, as they turn around Dylan reaches into Andy's pockets and takes his rollies, puts them into his own pocket. Jog back to the cars, scared. All pile into one car and Derrick tries to start it, doesn't work.
Derrick: Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck!
Dylan: (almost hysterical) What??
Derrick: (gives up trying to start the car) Somebody has done something to the car. It was working fine this morning.
Linda: Oh my god.
Noah: Try the other cars.
Linda and Derrick run over to the other cars and try them, no dice.
Dylan: This can't be happening. This can't be fucking happening!
Shot of Noah and Dylan as the other two walk back over to them. Hold for a few seconds then cut to inside the building they were all in at first, the train. Derrick is sitting in a chair a metre or so away from the door holding his gun, Noah and Linda are sitting together, Dylan on a seperate chair. Everybody looks scared. I'm going to stop saying that. Just assume people are scared, it's reasonable. Dylan is trying and failing to roll a cigarette, shaking and clearly shit anyway.
Dylan: (throws half rolled cigarette at the wall in frustration) Is this it? (stands up) Are we just going to fucking stay here?
Nobody says anything.
Dylan: Well?? Nobody?
Continued silence.
Dylan: COME ON!! What the fuck are we going to do!
Noah: (shouting) Do you have any suggestions?
Dylan: Shut up! Fuck you! I'm not sitting in this fucking room waiting for some maniac to come and kill us! (pleading) Derrick, can't you do something about the cars?
Derrick: I don't know anything about cars.
Dylan looks desperately at Linda and Noah.
Noah: No. (Linda shakes her head)
Dylan starts pacing the room.
Dylan: We're fucked. We're going to die. WE'RE GOING TO DIE! I'm going to die in this FUCKING ROOM! (looks at the others and points) He's out there. He is out there waiting for us to walk out the door, and then he'll shoot, he'll kill us.
Everybody looks at him without speaking.
Dylan: (shouts random profanities at the top of his voice) BULLSHIT! THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT! FUCK! I should have fucking stayed home, I should have stayed home. Why the fuck did I come here? FUCK!
Camera changes to behind him as he shouts at the group, they look increasingly angry.
Linda: SHUT THE FUCK UP DYLAN! Are you trying to make him hear you?!
Camera cuts to a close shot of Dylan, only head and shoulders are visable. I've forgotten what that is called, something.
Dylan: WHO GIVES A FUCK? HE'S FUCKING OUT THERE RIGHT NOW, I'M SURE OF IT! HE'S JUST FUCKING WAITING FOR US! Oh my god. I can't believe this is happening, I don't deserve-
Dylan is suddenly cut off as a bullet is fired through the window and into his head, he drops off to the side of the screen and dies instantly. Group all give a short scream, camera cuts back to the shot from behind him, with the group in view. He is dead on the floor with blood around his head and broken glass from the window next to him. Noah, Linda and Derrick are all too shocked to speak. Derrick regains senses and jumps up to look out the window, sees Badsam running back down the creek track, turns back to Noah and Linda.
Derrick: He- He went that way. I saw him.
Noah and Linda continue staring at Dylan's body until Linda looks up.
Linda: Leave the lights on here. We'll go into the house.
Derrick nods, Noah hasn't moved.
Linda: Noah? Noah, we have to go.
Noah looks up after a few seconds and nods weakly, looks sick. Linda kind of helps him get up and they follow Derrick into the house, shutting the doors quietly behind them and using a torch for light.
Linda: I need to go to the toilet.
Derrick: We'll wait outside the door.
Linda: Yeah. Okay.
Linda walks into the toilet and Derrick and Noah sit on the floor outside, put something over the torch to dim the light.
Noah: Did you get a good look at the guy?
Derrick: Not really. I kind of just saw his back as he ran away.
Noah: He's not anybody from around here?
Derrick: I don't know. I know most of the people nearby, I didn't recognise him.
Noah: ...He didn't have red hair did he?
Derrick: He might have. Red or brown, yeah?
Noah: (pause) A guy came around to our house the other day, asking for directions. Big guy with sort of long red hair, said he was moving into that old house a few kilometres down your way. My dad told him you couldn't get to it from the road, he didn't seem to care much though. Said he liked hiking, and then he left.
Derrick: You mean that shack down the creek path?
Noah: Yeah. I thought it was kinda weird that anybody would want to live there.
Derrick: ...You walk down the creek from there, opposite direction to the track, you come out right onto this property.
Noah: Yeah, I know.
Derrick: Shit.
Noah: What are we going to do man?
Derrick: I don't know. We can't walk into town, it'll take way too long. That psycho will fucking have us, it's all open out that way, only 2 or 3 houses the whole way.
Noah: Mmm. I figure your phone is still cut off?
Derrick: Yeah.
Noah: I'm pretty sure Daria brought her mobile.
Derrick: So did Andy, I saw him using it.
(pause)
Noah: Andy's still just down the path... I mean, we could go get his phone.
Derrick: Yeah. Yeah, I guess we have to do that.
Noah: Yeah, I guess so.
Derrick: (leans over and knocks on the toilet door) Come on Linda, what's taking so long? (no answer) I don't just want to sit here. Linda? Linda? Fuck!
Derrick and Noah both stand up, and Derrick opens the door. Linda is lying against the wall, covered in blood, still alive. Camera pans down to her hands, she's cut her wrists with a knife, blood is gushing out rate quick like.
Noah: (pushes in front of Derrick and kneels down in front of Linda) Linda! Oh shit, Linda. We can bandage this, we can bandage this and you'll be okay... We just need to find some bandages and you'll be okay... We just need some bandages. Derrick, where are the bandages?
Noah turns around to Derrick who is just looking down at them.
Derrick: Noah, I'm sorry man. There's no point, look how much blood she's lost.
Camera looks at Linda, nearly dead and all covered in blood. Lots of blood, we need a stupid amount of blood.
Noah: No, no, no, no. No, no she'll be alright, we just need to... (turns around and looks at Linda again, then back at Derrick. stands up slowly and they both look at her, clearly about to die) Sorry... (closes door)
Derrick: Come on man.
Noah grabs some sort of blunt object and nods his head. Both walk outside with the torches, tense as shit, weapons raised. Walk down to where Andy's body is.
Derrick: Go through his pockets, see if he has it.
Noah turns off his torch and searches Andy while Derrick stands over him with the torch and the gun, long shot as he looks all around.
Noah: Nothing dude.
Derrick: (turns off his torch) Fuck.
Noah: What do we do?
Derrick: (pauses and looks farther down the creek, starts walking) Come on.
Noah: What??
Derrick: We're going to the shack.
Noah: Are you serious?
Derrick: Yes. What else are we going to do? We can't go back up to the house, that's just letting him know where we are.
Noah: So you think we should go looking for him?? Have you lost your mind?
Derrick: Are you coming or not?
Noah: (looks around at the bushes) Shit.
Dialogue-free for a while as both of them walk towards the shack, keep it completely silent for a minute or so, then cut to a long shot of them from behind Sam's back. He watches them walking for a few seconds, then quietly starts following them. Scary-cut-thing and it's back on Derrick and Noah, later, as the shack comes into view. Both crouch down in the bushes somewhere, whisper the next bit.
Noah: Do you see anybody in there?
Derrick: No.
Noah: Are we going to go inside?
Derrick: Yeah, are you ready?
Noah: (nods)
Derrick: Come on, follow me.
Noah nods and follows him towards the shack. Derrick kicks open the door and Sam comes up behind Noah and shoots him, show this from a shot in front of Derrick as he enters the house, with the camera looking behind him. Derrick turns around instantly and shoots Sam, cut to a side on shot of Sam as he falls backwards and fires his gun in the door. Hold this shot until Sam stops twitching and dies, then cut inside to show Derrick holding onto his neck as blood spurts out of it, gasping for air as he sits himself up. Slow fade out on this, the fucking end.
Copy pasting it from the text document made the italic and bold bits go to normal text, sorry if that makes it hard to read.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
WHY MONKEY, WHY?
No one loves a prick,
No one loves a coffee sniffing motherfucker.
avatar
MilkyFresh
Wizard of Piss

Posts : 9787
Leprechaun Gold : 38705
Pineapple Power : 22738
Join date : 2010-10-26
Age : 23
Alignment : Arseheart
Location : Australia

Back to top Go down

Re: Scriptwriting help

Post by Katzenjammer on Thu May 12, 2011 3:31 pm

Man, that's fucking awesome.

I really enjoyed reading that.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
She's turned the weans against us.
avatar
Katzenjammer
Zoot Suit

Posts : 2858
Leprechaun Gold : 6475
Pineapple Power : 424
Join date : 2011-02-20
Age : 24
Location : Scotland

Back to top Go down

Re: Scriptwriting help

Post by MilkyFresh on Thu May 12, 2011 3:32 pm

Really dude, you dug it? Very Happy

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
WHY MONKEY, WHY?
No one loves a prick,
No one loves a coffee sniffing motherfucker.
avatar
MilkyFresh
Wizard of Piss

Posts : 9787
Leprechaun Gold : 38705
Pineapple Power : 22738
Join date : 2010-10-26
Age : 23
Alignment : Arseheart
Location : Australia

Back to top Go down

Re: Scriptwriting help

Post by Katzenjammer on Thu May 12, 2011 3:34 pm

Aye man.

Dylan reminds me of one of my friends.

He's an asshole, but he's our asshole.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
She's turned the weans against us.
avatar
Katzenjammer
Zoot Suit

Posts : 2858
Leprechaun Gold : 6475
Pineapple Power : 424
Join date : 2011-02-20
Age : 24
Location : Scotland

Back to top Go down

Re: Scriptwriting help

Post by MilkyFresh on Thu May 12, 2011 3:36 pm

Dylan is basically me haha

Most of the characters are based off the people that are meant to play them, just because I've no idea how well they can act. The lower my estimate of their acting abilities the more like themselves their characters are.

Very Happy

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
WHY MONKEY, WHY?
No one loves a prick,
No one loves a coffee sniffing motherfucker.
avatar
MilkyFresh
Wizard of Piss

Posts : 9787
Leprechaun Gold : 38705
Pineapple Power : 22738
Join date : 2010-10-26
Age : 23
Alignment : Arseheart
Location : Australia

Back to top Go down

Re: Scriptwriting help

Post by GrinningManiac on Thu May 12, 2011 3:51 pm

Normally scripts bore the bandolier off of my goat, but I really enjoyed reading that. Got a real sense of location, too. Could definately imagine it happening.

Good work!

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
मैं हिन्दी जानना चाहता हूँ…અને ગુજરાતી…ਅਤੇ ਪੰਜਾਬੀ…এবং হয়ত বাংলা.
Aprenderé a bailar salsa y nada detendrá me. 对不起我的中文不好,对不起我不知道你说什么。
Не слышны в саду даже шорохи. Все здесь замерло до утра, Если б знали вы, как мне дороги, Подмосковные вечера.
The problem with having an open mind, you see, is that people insist on coming along and putting things in it
- Sir Terry Pratchett
I have a blog nao
avatar
GrinningManiac
His Grace, His Excellency, The Duke of Ankh; Commander Sir Alasdair Lawrence

Posts : 5597
Leprechaun Gold : 15124
Pineapple Power : 3009
Join date : 2010-10-10
Age : 24
Alignment : Morally Unperturbed Mongoose-Man
Location : England

Back to top Go down

Re: Scriptwriting help

Post by MilkyFresh on Thu May 12, 2011 3:53 pm

Sweet man, thanks.

The idea actually came when I was staying at my friend's house, which is out in the bush, so that's where I want to film it.

Appreciated (-:

Any suggestions for things to fix?

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
WHY MONKEY, WHY?
No one loves a prick,
No one loves a coffee sniffing motherfucker.
avatar
MilkyFresh
Wizard of Piss

Posts : 9787
Leprechaun Gold : 38705
Pineapple Power : 22738
Join date : 2010-10-26
Age : 23
Alignment : Arseheart
Location : Australia

Back to top Go down

Re: Scriptwriting help

Post by reg42 on Thu May 12, 2011 4:05 pm

I think car suicide thing and the getting the guns need a bit more motivation. And sabotage wouldn't be the first thing that jumps into my mind when my car doesn't start.

Otherwise though, good stuff.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
"Fuck, fuck, fuck/Mutha, mutha fuck/Mutha, mutha fuck fuck/Mutha fuck, mutha fuck/Noinch, noinch, noinch

1-2-1-2-3-4/Noinch, noinch, noinch/Smokin' weed/Smokin' wiz/Doin' coke/Drinkin' beers/Drinkin' beers, beers, beers

Rollin' fatties, smokin' blunts/Who smokes the blunts/We smoke the blunts/Rollin' blunts and smokin...

Oh, let me get a nickle bag

15 bucks little man/Put that shit in my hand/If that money doesn't show/Then you owe me owe me owe

My jungle looooove/Oh-e-oh-e-oh/I think I wanna know ya, know ya"
avatar
reg42
Uncle Mint Floss

Posts : 3298
Leprechaun Gold : 36034
Pineapple Power : 30214
Join date : 2010-10-10
Age : 23
Alignment : Chaotically good looking
Location : The Deep South

http://www.last.fm/user/reg42

Back to top Go down

Re: Scriptwriting help

Post by MilkyFresh on Thu May 12, 2011 4:08 pm

Yeah, I know the guns need more motivation, it's one of the things I have been meaning to rewrite.
I'll reread the suicide thing, maybe she needs to see more people die... It's kind of hard to take into account the individual character's perspectives sometimes, work on it.

And the sabotage thing didn't even occur to me. Shall rewrite.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
WHY MONKEY, WHY?
No one loves a prick,
No one loves a coffee sniffing motherfucker.
avatar
MilkyFresh
Wizard of Piss

Posts : 9787
Leprechaun Gold : 38705
Pineapple Power : 22738
Join date : 2010-10-26
Age : 23
Alignment : Arseheart
Location : Australia

Back to top Go down

Re: Scriptwriting help

Post by reg42 on Thu May 12, 2011 4:14 pm

MilkyFresh wrote:Yeah, I know the guns need more motivation, it's one of the things I have been meaning to rewrite.
I'll reread the suicide thing, maybe she needs to see more people die... It's kind of hard to take into account the individual character's perspectives sometimes, work on it.

And the sabotage thing didn't even occur to me. Shall rewrite.
Yeah I'm actually rethinking the suicide thing now. You can actually leave it as is. Sometimes I forget that I'm reading something which should be watched.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
"Fuck, fuck, fuck/Mutha, mutha fuck/Mutha, mutha fuck fuck/Mutha fuck, mutha fuck/Noinch, noinch, noinch

1-2-1-2-3-4/Noinch, noinch, noinch/Smokin' weed/Smokin' wiz/Doin' coke/Drinkin' beers/Drinkin' beers, beers, beers

Rollin' fatties, smokin' blunts/Who smokes the blunts/We smoke the blunts/Rollin' blunts and smokin...

Oh, let me get a nickle bag

15 bucks little man/Put that shit in my hand/If that money doesn't show/Then you owe me owe me owe

My jungle looooove/Oh-e-oh-e-oh/I think I wanna know ya, know ya"
avatar
reg42
Uncle Mint Floss

Posts : 3298
Leprechaun Gold : 36034
Pineapple Power : 30214
Join date : 2010-10-10
Age : 23
Alignment : Chaotically good looking
Location : The Deep South

http://www.last.fm/user/reg42

Back to top Go down

Re: Scriptwriting help

Post by MilkyFresh on Thu May 12, 2011 4:17 pm

Dat's cool. I'm gunna reread it a few times tomorrow with different character's perspectives in mind.

But the gun thing I already needed to change, and the sabotage thing I definitely need to change. Thanks for that.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
WHY MONKEY, WHY?
No one loves a prick,
No one loves a coffee sniffing motherfucker.
avatar
MilkyFresh
Wizard of Piss

Posts : 9787
Leprechaun Gold : 38705
Pineapple Power : 22738
Join date : 2010-10-26
Age : 23
Alignment : Arseheart
Location : Australia

Back to top Go down

Re: Scriptwriting help

Post by Wayward on Fri May 13, 2011 8:13 am

I would watch that film. The dialogue feels natural and the plot is straightforward. The only part I got stuck on was in the beginning, when Derrick offers to go out to the car. There didn't seem to be any reason for him to suddenly interject that question into the conversation, from reading it anyway, but you could easily solve this by adding some kind of visual cue when filming, like having him stand up before giving the line. I'd like to be more helpful and give you more criticism, but I don't see anything glaringly wrong with what you have here. I enjoyed reading it.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
daaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
avatar
Wayward
Resident Slut

Posts : 1702
Leprechaun Gold : 4491
Pineapple Power : 317
Join date : 2010-12-02
Age : 32
Location : two inches to the left

Back to top Go down

Re: Scriptwriting help

Post by MilkyFresh on Fri May 13, 2011 8:36 am

Ah, I kind of imaged him casually walking through as he said that, on his way out for something. I think that'll work when it's filmed.

Thanks heaps Wayward, appreciated (-:

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
WHY MONKEY, WHY?
No one loves a prick,
No one loves a coffee sniffing motherfucker.
avatar
MilkyFresh
Wizard of Piss

Posts : 9787
Leprechaun Gold : 38705
Pineapple Power : 22738
Join date : 2010-10-26
Age : 23
Alignment : Arseheart
Location : Australia

Back to top Go down

Re: Scriptwriting help

Post by ggggggggggg on Fri May 13, 2011 1:46 pm

That was good, man. Like Wayward said, the dialogue feels natural, which you don't see very often.

The suicide kinda came out of nowhere though. I don't think someone would jump to the knife that quick, but like you said, character perspectives and shit, so maybe that's just me.

Anyways, good read.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


ggggggggggg
Kay-Ron, Destroyer of Worlds

Posts : 3006
Leprechaun Gold : 29242
Pineapple Power : 21476
Join date : 2010-10-09
Age : 24
Location : Ireland

Back to top Go down

Re: Scriptwriting help

Post by Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

Page 1 of 2 1, 2  Next

View previous topic View next topic Back to top


 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum